Paw & Order

I know I use Law & Order for a lot of attempts of humor, and well... here I go again.

Paw & Order

In the animal kingdom the worst canine criminals are handled by the detectives of the Major Mutt Case Squad. These are their stories.

*arf, arf*

Guvvie: Sock. A sock. Must suck on sock.

(Guvvie grabs the sock and it stays in her mouth for the next 72 hours.)

Quirky: Son? You left your socks out again and Guvvie's got it.

QS#1: No. That can't be my sock. I put all my socks away. Wait, that looks like my sock, but it can't be!

Quirky: Then how did she get the sock?

QS#1: I don't know. Honestly. Maybe QS#2 did it.

Quirky: Why would your little brother (QS#2) take YOUR socks? They are way too big for him.

QS#1: You NEVER believe me.

Quirky: Just tell me how she got the sock then. It's obviously your sock.

QS#1: I want Dad.

Quirky: Oh come on, I can understand your reluctance to admit your part of the crime. You don't need Dad.

QS#1: I'm not saying another word until my Dad gets here.

*arf, arf*

QuirkyDad: What seems to be the problem.

QS#1: Well, Mom here says that....

QuirkyDad: Wait. Don't say anything. I want to hear it from Mom.

Quirky: Guvvie got his sock and he won't admit that the sock is his. He just doesn't want to admit that he DID leave his dirty socks on the floor after I have told him so many times NOT to do that. And you know what happens when Guvvie sucks on a sock.

QuirkyDad: What. What exactly are you implying?

Quirky: Oh, come on! You know she ends up tearing the whole sock to shreds.

QuirkyDad: Where is the evidence? Where is this alleged shredded sock?

Quirky: Oh brother.

*arf, arf*

QS#1: Mom?

QS#1: Mom, I'm sorry. I think it was my sock after all.

Quirky: I knew it.

QuirkyDad: Wait son, you don't have to say anything.

Quirky glares at QuirkyDad.

QS#1: No Dad. I was wrong. I didn't mean to leave the sock laying there. But I did. (starts sobbing) I'm sooo... sorry.... I didn't think I had any other choice.

Quirky: What? All you had to do was put it in the hamper.

QS#1: I know. I know. I just forgot.

Quirky: You should never forget to do the right thing Son. Even when it comes to socks.

QS#1: I know. I know. I just couldn't help it.

Quirky: Well now you will have lots of time to think about why it was wrong and to change your careless sock ways.

QS#1: Okay. I'm really sorry Mom. I am so sorry.

Quirky: Another crime, erm, I mean problem solved!

QS#1 and QuirkyDad exit.

Quirky: (to herself) And... note to self: buy more socks.

(loud paper crinkling sound is heard in the background)

Quirky: What was that?

Quirky runs to the dining room to see Guvvie escaping through the doggie-door with a bag of chips in her mouth!

Quirky: Guvvie! You mangy mutt! Okay, who left the bag of chips on the counter?

Uh-oh.

Here we go again.

*arf, arf*





B.S. No dogs, sons, or husbands were harmed during the production of this post. However, a couple of socks were demolished. And a bag of chips. *sigh*

He's Marvelous!

Marvelous Marvin aka The Old Silly is celebrating a birthday today!

You're how old Marvin? 90? 95?

"He is 66 going on 67!"

Ha!

He is one cool dude. He identifies himself as a Christian Spiritualist, and he is very anti-religion. It's strange that he befriended me via blogging since he knows I am an active LDS gal.

But you see? Therein lies the beauty of this cool dude. He can overlook the obvious differences and looks at a person's inner-being, appreciating who and what they are despite any differences.

That's pretty cool in my book.

In my case when he "sees" my inner being? It's an inner-zombie. And I haven't scared him away yet.

Double ha!

The Dude is also a musician and a talented one at that. He recently sent me a Christian CD showcasing his many musical talents. The CD is titled The Average Praise Band: Rhythm and Truths and it is great! Nothing "average" about this music CD. It is very good. Marvin is credited as the main song writer and after listening to all the songs, I am impressed. Not to mention he plays the guitar and sings the lead vocal on most of the songs.

It's very bluesy and rock. His voice is gritty and spot on for each song. He brings out the passion of his faith and beliefs through his charismatic singing. You can tell this is a singing voice of experience, he knows what he is doing and he does it well.

My favorite song is "Do It Some More." Not only does it have a catchy melody, but, but, BUT.... it has cowbell in the music!

I almost died of joy!

Anyhoo, the Dude is also an ex-hippie and ex-rock musician. I guess you could say he's been around the block, two or three HUNDRED times. *smile*

But he really is a great guy. He is always very supportive of others. Not to mention he's a published author. Some of his books include: I Romanced The Stone (Memoirs of a Recovering Hippie), Owen Fiddler, and Between the Storm and the Rainbow.

Dang.

Is there anything this Dude can't do?

Well he can't get any younger!

Marvin the Marvelous? Happy Birthday you Old Silly you!

And as a special musical birthday gift, I've put together this rock music play list just for you. I know it's a lot of music, but it was hard to choose. So much terrific rock music out there, ya know?

You all should go and give the Old Silly a comment hug or two.

As for me? I'm giving him heck!

Cuz I do that well.

Oh yeah!

Lend Me A Quirky Ear

And I'll sing you a song and try not to sing the lyrics incorrectly!

I've always had a hard time hearing song lyrics correctly.

But I have a question. Is there another person in the universe who has this same problem? Or am I alone (again)?

Anyone? Anyone?

Please tell me somebody else has heard Jimi Hendrix sing "excuse me while I kiss this guy" in his song Purple Haze? However, I was told and scolded that the correct lyric is: "excuse me while I kiss the sky." Actually, I prefer the latter, but somehow the former sticks to my Quirky song memory cell.

What about the song Dancing Queen by ABBA? This is what I hear: "See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen." But I understand the real lyric is: "See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen." I think my lyrics are much more interesting. Who "digs in" a dancing queen? I say kick her!

I was shocked when I learned of my "mislyric" in the Bee Gees song Stayin' Alive. I always sang it: "Whether you're a mugger or whether you're a bugger you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive." But then somebody corrected me and I found out that the real lyric is: "Whether you're a mother or whether you're a brother you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive." Aw come on! It's easy to stay alive as a mother or a brother, but how much harder is it to stay alive as a mugger or a bugger? See? My lyrics have more meaning.

So what about Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me? I was so, so, so, sooooo sure that the lyric was: "Sweet to paste....magazine." But once again I learned I was wrong. It's really "Sweet to taste...saccharine." I obviously suffer from some level of "def-ness" when hearing their lyrics.

And then there is Electric Light Orchestra and their song Don't Bring Me Down. Imagine my shock when I learned that it's not "Don't bring me down, Bruce" but "Don't bring me down, grroosss." No wonder my ex-boyfriend, Bruce, didn't understand my long-distance dedication. So ELO? Orchestrate THIS!

Even The Beatles have fooled my quirky ears. Once again I thought they were singing in their song Get Back, "Jo Jo was a man before he was a woman" and not the real lyric "Jo Jo was a man who thought he was a loner." Hey it was the 60's! Free love and hippies, ANYTHING went in those days, so it made sense to me.

*sigh*

Then I thought for sure I had gotten Guns N'Roses' song Sweet Child O'Mine song lyrics right when I sang: "She's got eyes of the bluest skies as if they've got a brain." Once again I found out the real lyric: "She's got eyes of bluest skies as if they thought of rain." For what it's worth, I think MY lyrics make more sense, especially in the zombie sense of things. Why? Because in case you hadn't heard, they like brainz.

I admit I not only listened to but actually enjoyed the group Styx. It figures that my least favorite song by them Mr. Roboto, I would end up messing up the lyrics completely. Quirky sings: "Don't nobody got no Mr. Roboto, dunno." But later I read the real lyric: "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto, Domo."

Who the heck is Domo?

But probably the WORST song lyric faux pas I have committed is Manfred Mann's Earth Band, Blinded By The Light song. The real lyric: "Revved up like a deuce. Another runner in the night." But oh no, I degraded the verse to: "Wrapped up like a douche. Another rumour in the night." I had always thought it very inappropriate to be singing about female hygiene like that, but apparently it never stopped ME.

What can I say?

Or sing?

Or hear?




B.S. No ears or song lyrics were harmed during the production of this post. But my ears and tongue were threatened to get chopped off, if I didn't stop massacring these songs! Gulp.

Arthur the Weenie

Arthur was a boy in my fifth grade class. I don't remember very much about Arthur and our hobnobs, but I'll never forget the day he punched me out.

Tennis shoes and boots squeaked along the hard terrazzo floor of the elementary school. The fifth-grade minions were being herded to stand in a line to receive the measles vaccination. After a grade check, teacher name check, and student name check, I was gently guided to the end of the line to wait my turn.

I was definitely a conformist in my younger years. I always did as I was told.

The day before I had just gotten a pair of glasses. Yes, I was now a member of the four-eyes club. And I believe that it was the catalyst for what happened next.

Because my vision was so clear now, I kept looking to the head of the line. I stretched my neck and was pleasantly surprised at how much I could see! Wow! Is that Sheryl at the beginning of the line? She's next? I started counting the number of students until my lucky turn.

Perhaps in my excitement to see I did the unthinkable thing.

I accidentally bumped into Arthur who was standing directly in front of me. In my anxiousness to get pricked, I thought I saw him take a huge step forward, so I did too. He whipped his head around and slanted his eyes at me. His eyes were black and cold. I could feel his cool appraisal as he looked me up and down and back up again to rest on my... glasses!

I nervously fingered the right plastic arm as if to make sure they were still sitting on the bridge of my nose. Yes, they were still there. I looked at him slightly alarmed.

The next thing I know, Arthur was shoving me. I was so surprised that at first I didn't react. I was shocked into a stupor. "Did this boy just push me? But I'm a girl! Boys aren't supposed to push or hit girls!"

So naturally, I pushed him back.

He shoved me again.

I pushed him back again.

Then to my shock and horror, I saw him form a fist. He wound his arm up a couple of times and then BAM right into my stomach!

He PUNCHED me.

In the tummy.

I grabbed my stomach in pain while my jaw smacked the floor.

All of a sudden an adult appeared. A teacher. "Wah wah wah wah waaaa? Wah wah waah wahaaaah."

Huh?

Then the next part I remember clearly. "I'm calling both of your parents and telling them about this."

What?

He had punched me! I hadn't punched him. I had pushed and shoved, but I hadn't punched him!

And now?

I was in trouble.

No fair.

As I stood there stewing in the unfairness of my situation, somebody pushed me from behind. I had no time to look behind to see the face of my offender.

I staggered forward, felt a cool dab of alcohol on my arm, then a prick.

I was vaccinated.

I was armed against disease.

Too bad that vaccination didn't arm me against weenies, erm, I mean bullies named Arthur.

And Arthur if you're out there reading this?

YOU WERE WRONG.

And I was right.

Boys should NOT hit girls ever.

I still think if I hadn't been wearing those darn glasses, it would have been a different story. He probably would have laughed it off.

But because I was a four-eyes, he let me have it.

Imagine my delight when I saw Arthur in the sixth grade sporting a pair of wire-rimmed glasses.

Ha!

Welcome to the four-eyes club.

Weenie!





B.S. No teachers or Arthurs were harmed during the production of this post. But if looks could kill....then there might have been some severe bodily harm to one certain weenie.

Got Jigsaw Puzzle?

Yesterday I enjoyed THREE Saw movies on Syfy.

Sci-fi is now Syfy. Whatevs. Silly "Syfy."

I admit I have never watched these movies on the big or little screen before. I normally do not enjoy the "gorror" movies (gory + horror = gorror). Hence, I thought the movies would be "cleaned up" for television, so I gave it a go.

Wow.

If that's "cleaned-up?" Then I can only imagine what was in the theaters.

Yowza.

Surprisingly, I was not terribly grossed out at the horrific scenes of bodily pain.

Watching Adam and Dr. Lawrence Gordon awaken and struggling to get out of the chains was scary, but not horrific (being a claustrophobobe, I could empathize).

Watching Dr. Gordon's daughter Diana get freaked out by "The Bad Man" in her bedroom was terribly frightening, but not horrific.

Watching Adam and Dr. Gordon get electrically shocked was shocking (ouch! bad pun alert!), but still not horrific.

Watching Dr. Gordon get attacked by "Jigsaw" in his animal face mask was scary, but not horrific.

Watching Adam place his hands in the filthy toilet water and start swishing around, again disgusting, but not horrific.

Watching Dr. Gordon SAW his foot off to escape the ankle chain was pretty horrific, but NOT the most horrific thing about the movie.

Oh no.

The MOST horrific part of the movie for me?

When I finally put the puzzle pieces together (oops, another bad pun alert) and realized that Dr. Lawrence Gordon was formerly Westley from The Princess Bride movie.

Now THAT was horrific.

Where IS Inigo Montoya when you need him?

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!"

Or should that be: prepare to saw?

Ick.



B.S. No ankles were harmed during the production of this post, but I did get a paper-cut. Now THAT hurts.

I Sooooo Rawk!

It all began around 5pm MST in a not so little town called Phoenix.

A mix of family members were assembled and ready to begin. Quirky was amongst them.

A few minor adjustments to the hook-ups and wiring and we and the boob tube were ready.

The songs began.

Can you say Wii? Can you say Rock Band: The Beatles?

I warmed us up with "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds."

The looks of shock and disbelief from my in-law family members were priceless. They had never "heard" this side of Sandie, erm, I mean Quirky before.

Loads of laughter ensued.

One brother-in-law, "There's a lynch mob on its way."

More laughter.

My niece-in-law. "Wow. I'm impressed."

Me thinking: "You should be."

Next song: "I Saw Her Standing There."

My sister-in-law said she would harmonize with me.

A few minutes later she was disgusted with me. "Sandie, you sing louder than everybody even without a mike."

Me thinking: "Heh, heh, heh. Too bad."

I took a Diet Coke break.

Yes, you read that correctly, there was only DIET COKE in the house. Dang! But I desperately needed to wet my whistle, so Diet Coke it was.

I kept on asking for "Hey Jude." Nobody responded. I think they were ignoring me. Hmm.

Finally, the video game started up again and this time I just added a few operatic tones to help on the harmonies. In other words, I was the backup rock opera singer.

I continued to get grins and smiles from the family.

After about an hour of singing, I had to stop. Despite several Diet Coke breaks (blech) my voice was getting more and more hoarse.

I had to stop.

Much to my sadness.

And their gladness.

Haters!

No matter.

I rawk!





B.S. Quirky's vocal chords were slightly harmed during the production of this post. Alas, once she was able to procure a Diet Dr. Pepper things started looking up again and her singing voice returned! G-goo gjoob!

Kill Joy To The World

Christmas.

I'm sure by the time you read this, the gifts will have been ambushed and the kids will be on their sugar high from one too many candy-canes.

But thank-goodness.

The madness.

It's over.

Now the real fun begins.

Cleaning up.

I'm not talking about the "regular" clean-up.

I'm talking about Mother Earth.

She reeks of pollution within the bowels of her substructure to the far reaching, fragile atmosphere. She reels from this man-made madness. She is writhing in agony as the pin-pricks of unneccessary consumerism rape her worn-out terra firma.

How many trees died to wrap a gift for you on this day?

How much larger did the hole in the ozone increase because you went on excessive shopping trips?

How many more tons of discarded paraphernalia did you throw out to make room for new paraphernalia?

How many more pounds did you add to the all ready obese human population?

Do you realize that your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, GREAT grandkids will have to clean up YOUR mess?

Yes, "they" won't have any trees to cut down to mush-mash all up and dry into paper so they can wrap a gift. They'll have to use leaves and tree sap (to glue the leaves together) to use as their wrapping paper.

Yes, "they" won't have to worry about the ozone hole because of two things. Automobiles and the ozone will be obsolete. Everybody will be wearing burkas and Ray-Bans to protect themselves from the wicked ultra-violet rays glaring down upon the earth. And, I've heard those burkas can get very hot. So everybody will be stinky from excessive sweating. Don't think there will be anything like deodorant available. That will be long gone. I don't know about you, but I don't wish this upon my posterity.

Yes, "they" will actually enjoy those trash dumps because that's where civilization will be forced to live. Yes, your trash dump will be the new neighborhood. Why? Because "they" will be forced to recycle whatever they can use at the dumps. No trees? Means no new homes being built or renovated. Old printers? They will be the new t.v. trays. Old monitors? They will be the new mirrors albeit only usable during "reflective" moments. Old bicycles? New mode of transportation. Old toothbrushes? They will be your NEW toothbrush. Old baskets? Your new drawers for storage and other whatnot.

Yes, "they" will continue to be obese. Why? They will find all those pictures you threw out because you were mortified at how awful and HUGE you looked and they will mistakenly think, "Bigger is Better." And we all know that ain't true, at least not when it comes to dimples and rolls. So they will scavenge and do everything they can to gain weight. And if they are cursed with the skinny gene, they will wear fat suits under their burkas. The burkas will hide their deception and save them from peer persecution.

Yes, all this because YOU had a great day today.

To all of you greedy, selfish, materialistic, gotta have the latest and greatest, gotta have the plasma tv, gotta have the bestest of the best, gotta have not one but five iPhones, gotta have a MacBook and a PC, and all of you who have plenty of Christmas goodies to consume.

Merry Christmas!

And to the rest of you?

Get with the materialistic program.

"Go eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die..."

Yeah right.

Consumers!





B.S. The true reason for Christmas WAS harmed (and totally obliterated) during the production of this post.

B.B.S. BAH-HUMBUG!

B.B.B.S. Merry Christmas!

Quirky Gives Good ...

Treats!

Yes, I'm still talking Christmas goodies.

I know there isn't anyone out there talking smack about MY Christmas goodies that I give to them.

"Humility, thine name is Quirkyloon." Actually, I am humble. This is not bragging. I'm just extremely confident with my rolls.

What?

No, silly! Not those rolls!

Pumpkin Rolls.

That's right.

I "do" a mean, mean Pumpkin Roll. They are so good, they're wicked. Everybody oohs and aaahs over them. They are a blend of pumpkiny and cream-cheesey delight.

I have yet to meet ONE person who has NOT sung praises over my Pumpkin Rolls.

My in-laws practically orgasm when they see I've made some for the family Christmas get-together.

It's true.

They're THAT good.

Now don't go and try to guilt me into sending you some. They won't keep in the mail. (Whew, I dodged that bullet! Ha!)

And I do have a couple of rolls in the freezer. They freeze beautifully and thaw out quickly. (Again, don't GO there. Not sending ANY in the mail. Capiche?)

But know that I give good Christmas treats.

Unlike some people.

Oh yeah.

I also lie a lot.

Is that wrong?

Ha!




B.S. No pumpkin rolls were harmed (or eaten) during the production of this post.

B.B.S. No lie.

B.B.B.S. Quirky is a very humble loon(atic).

B.B.B.B.S. Go and get yourself a different type of Christmas treat at HumorBloggers.com. They give good laughs.

B.B.B.B.B.S. Will Quirky ever stop with all the B.S's? It's just a little bit out of control.

Christmas Cookie Fear and Loathing

Oh no!

I just remembered!

'Tis the season to share Christmas cookies.

Gulp.

I have a wonderful (and clueless) friend who keeps on insisting on making us a plate of a certain kind of cookie each holiday season.

Sweet, no?

NO!

More like torture!

I can't stand these cookies! And neither can the rest of the Quirky Family! I know it's incredibly rude, but who knew one act of "kindness" would lead to FOURTEEN torturous years of lies and deceit?

Yes, this has been going on for FOURTEEN years.

Egads.

This is what I get for lying out of kindness.

I remember our first year exchange:

Friend: "Merry Christmas Quirky!"

Q: "Oh, thanks so much for the cookies. Oh yes, we do like those kind of cookies."

Then the exchanges between years number two through ten:

Friend: "Merry Christmas! I know how much you like these cookies!"

(Dang! The plate got larger, as well as my eyes.)

Q: "Thanks."

Exchange since year eleven through... we're not done yet:

Friend (or Frenemy?): "Merry Christmas! Here's some more of those scrumptious cookies you guys like."

Q: "Thanks, you shouldn't have. Really, you SHOULDN'T have. You're so busy working and everything, please don't worry about us, we have enough goodies."

Friend(?): "Oh no, I INSIST."

Q: "Um, yeah thanks."

My cheeks hurt from the forced smiles.

Then? I gave the cookies away or to the dogs.

So it's 2009 and the holiday season is here.

And I know what is looming ahead of us just on the horizon.

Another season of cookie fear and loathing!

Where is the Cookie Monster when you need him?

"Cookie, cookie, cookie starts with BLECH!"





B.S. No cookies were harmed during the production of this post. Why? They haven't arrived yet. But they will. Dun, dun, dun!


B.B.S. Just guess what this B.S. is for. No, it has nothing to do with the commode, but it does have everything to do with a belly laugh or two. Go to Humor Bloggers dot com and read why.

B.B.B.S. No belly aches from laughter were harmful during the production of this post. However, several belly aches from a certain kind of cookie were definitely harmful: both physically and emotionally.

Shoportunistic

It's Christmas time and you know what that means.

Sales, sales, sales!

I am totally stoked!

I found the most fantastic items on sale. And I'm not talking about some measly 10% or 15% off, I'm talking items that are 90% off!

That's the sales ticket baby!

I've decided to show these items to my husband, any one of these will be a fine gift for me. I wouldn't even hold it against him, if he bought more than one or two or three. Oh heck. He should just get it all! You only live life once, ya know?

I am ecstactic.

• A Saucepan This is no ordinary sauce pan. It has solid gold handles and it's studded with 200 diamonds. It's normally priced at $197,630, but I heard it is listed on Craigslist for 90% off! 90% off! That means it's only $19,763. That's a screamin' deal.







• iPod Shuffle Okay this baby is made of "18-carat white and pink gold with 430 diamonds." I sure hope it comes loaded with a bunch of great rock songs. Because dang, that would mean another twenty of thirty bucks. *keeping my fingers crossed* I see that it is normally $39,526, but again it's ON SALE! Another 90% off! What a fantastic deal for a mere $3,953. Mere pennies in the bucket!





• Scott Storch's Yacht I'm not big on sailing, but I think I could be convinced otherwise with this sweet baby of a yacht. Apparently, it's worth 20 million, but it's on eBay for a mere 1 million. Suh-weet! I wonder if that includes life vests. I'm not a strong swimmer.








• Portrait by Picasso I'm thinking this will go great in my six-year-old's room. Right next to his "Cars: Lighting McQueen" poster. "They" figured it could sell for as much as $60 million, but in this economy? They're only asking $6 million. And... I think WalMart has their frames on sale, so we'll be all set to hang up this baby.








• Damien Hirst's 'For the Love of God' Oh my gawsh. I absolutely adore "prettified" skulls especially with crossbones. At $100 million, that would be a bit steep for us, but it's a steal at $1 million. I wonder if they'll knock off a grand or two since there are no diamond crossbones to go with the skull. Hmm.

And what is this?

If we order within the next 24 hours they will give us free shipping!

I sure know how to pick the good sales, eh?

I thank the recession and bad economy.

Thank-you!

Did I mention?

I am ecstatic!

Whee!





B.S. No luxury items were harmed during the production of this post. And let's hope they don't get damaged during shipment.

B.B.S. Don't forget to check out Humor Bloggers Dot Com for more funny Christmas Carnival posts!

Christmas Cartoons

I love the Christmas season!

The weather finally turns cool. Highs in the the low 70's instead of the 120's!

Brrr.

Get me a sweater!

School's out for Winter Break and we can enjoy a more relaxed schedule. No rushing to get to school before the dreaded second bell. No more "I don't like the school lunch today." and my consistent response "Too bad."

Yes, we can relax, stretch our toes and then start the most important holiday tradition ever.

Watching Christmas Cartoon specials.

Just makes my heart turn to mush (and spreads my butt about another half-inch).

These are some of the Christmas Cartoon shows that are a MUST see during the holiday season.

Frosty the Assassin Snowman - Frosty is cold-blooded assassin with the nickname: Snowman. His specialty is investigating and locating moles within a family, agency, company etc. Once Frosty is hired, the traitor is doomed. Frosty enjoys leaving his signature card with each killing, "You've been iced by the not so nice Snowman."
Rudolph the Crack Head Redneck This is a sad tale about cocaine substance abuse. The main character Rudolph is noted for a having a "red-nose" due to his obsessive snorting of the drug. Does Rudolph overcome his addiction or will he forever live with his red nose? Watch the story and find out.
How The Grinch Stole a Ham on Christmas Read the sad tale of Winchy Grinch. Desperation drives her to steal a ham on Christmas Day. She is then detained by Detectives Eames and Goren for an intense 12-hour interrogation. It's a must see to get that holiday sneer, erm, I mean cheer.
Shriek The Halls A collection of horror stories that will make you shrek, erm, shriek with horror and delight. My favorite short story is "Freddie Kruger's Coming To Town." Freddie's got his hand in all sorts of business.
Charlie Brown Christmas Charlie can't stop brown nosing. Watch how his peers turn on him during the holidays and send him to the Saw Merry-go-round Amusement Park.

Ah yes!

Holiday family entertainment at its best.

I'm shuddering in anticipation.

Just shuddering!




B.S. No Christmas Cartoons were harmed during the production of this post, because violence desensitizes and hence produces a passive couch potato.

Got Pounds?

Looky, looky!

I just got this in my gmail.


From: ©2009 Google End of Year Lottery
To: Quirkyloon
show details 5:12 PM (2 hours ago)

Your email just won £850,000 British pounds!
--
For more details,contact Mr. Grahams Benfield with these
E-mail(s):grahams.office@googlemail.com, grahamsbenfield @8u8.com. Send him
your full names, sex and ticket number: 00869575733664.
Wishing you good luck!!
Promo Coordinator.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Great balls of blogs!

I've won!

I've won British pounds! Aren't they worth more than the American dollar these days?

So let's see, send him my full name.

Quirky writes: Quirkyloon.

Check.

Sex.

(Quirky does a double-take.)

Sex?

S.E.X?

Why, I never!

I'm not sending him sex through gmail!

I'm NOT that kind of Quirkyloon!

How dare he!

I'm giving that Promo Coordinator a piece...

No, NOT that kind of piece!

Yeesh!

Get yer minds out of the gutter.

A piece of my mind!

My MIND.

Pervs!








B.S. No British pounds were harmed let alone received during the production of this post.

B.B.S. Don't forget tomorrow starts the Humor Bloggers Christmas Carnival! It's gonna be a hoot! A hoot, not a hooter! Yeesh, you guys!

Quirky Business

Okay, today I have to take a break from the creative juices and the hysterical humor that my posts are liberally laced with.

No humor today, which I know you are sore disappointed to hear.

*crickets*

Ooooooo-kay, anyhoo I need to take care of some much needed and necessary (is that redundant?) blog business.

First of all, you might have noticed a fun picture on my sidebar indicating that Humor Bloggers Dot Com is having their Second Annual Christmas Carnival!

I encourage each of you to go the Humor Bloggers Dot Com, that's humorbloggers.com (is that redundant?) during the week of December 21st. There on the main page is a feed and the participating Christmas Carnie bloggers will be highlighted and featured on the main feed.

And don't forget to tell them that Quirky sent you. That's Q.U.I.R.K.Y.

But first read my hilarious and delicious Christmas posts, then please go on over and give the other Humor Bloggers some support and comment love. But don't forget to read MY blog first. (Is that redundant?)

Second of all, I got not one, but TWO awards! (Is that redundant?)

Mamaface at Blogignoramus bestowed upon me two awards! Now that's generosity ten-fold! (Is that redundant?)

My blog sparkles! And you know why? Because I use Crest Blog Whitening Strips every day! *bats eyelashes*









And I'm a circular friend! Who knew? I'm an ad! Does this mean I make others feel circle-ey? Does this mean I'm flexible? Let's see. I'm bending over backwards to see if I can make a circle with my body. Reaching. Reeeeeaching. *snap*

Ouch. Maybe I'll try again later.

So this Circle of Friends award comes with one teensy weensy rule. Name five favorite things. I am more than happy to do so. It gives me great pleasure to tell you five of my favorite things. (Is that redundant?)

1. Diet Dr. Pepper. Now I know this is not a great revelation or anything, but gosh darn it, I love this peppery, acidic, carbonated drink. I slurp gallons a day. I shall rue the day when my innards rebel.


2. Toilet paper. I know I've mentioned this before, but gosh darn it, I love the stuff. We go back a long, long way and the fresh and clean feeling it gives me every time? Priceless! I'm tingling with anticipation for my next use... coming soon.


3. The ellipsis dots "...." That's right the ellipsis dots (is that redundant?). Those little suckers are great for timing in your writing. It's like the pause before the punch line in a joke. Dot, dot, dot here dot, dot, dot there. They're just precious!


4. Picking at my eyebrow. I do it all the time. I actually have a little bald spot now. I just rub it and pick at it all day long. Well at least I'm not cutting myself.


5. Last, but not least... REDUNDANCY! Ha! Hey, it's great way to add emphasis, no? I mean you want people to know what you are trying to say or in my case, laugh about, no? No? No? NO? Too many no's? Was that redundant? (I hope so!)

Third of all (and finally whew!), I must thank my generous and kind BBFF Reffie! Oh my heck, I won her blog contest where I wrote something about VE's butt stink and I won! And the delicious, rich fudge came in the mail and she included some "to die for"macadamia white chocolate chip cookies. Nomnomnomnomnomnom! Thank-you so much Reffie! We are enjoying every delicious sweet morsel. Much nicer than VE's butt stink.

I should say so!

And that my friends is all the Quirky business that needs "businessing" today!

Let me guess.

That too, was redundant.



B.S. No business, blog or otherwise, was corrupted during the production of this post. No Bernie Madoffs allowed!

Blog Blog Blog!

Quirky and Quirky Son#2 (six-year-old) are walking home from school.

QS#2: Mom! Watch how fast I can walk!

Quirky: You're doing great!

QS#2: Did you miss me today?

Quirky: Of course, I did.

QS#2: You know Mom, I can read minds.

Quirky: You can?

QS#2: Yes, I'm really good at it.

Quirky: Okay, read my mind right now.

QS#2: Blog.

Quirky starts laughing.

QS#2: Mom, that's all you think about! EVERY day! How come you do it everyday? You like it don't you Mom?

Quirky: Yeah, I guess I do.

(Two hours later.)

QS#1 (the twelve-year-old) walks into the room.

QS#1: Hey Mom, whatcha doin?

QS#1: Never mind. You're blogging aren't you?

Quirky: Well, yeah... maybe. Kind of. Well because I just finished paying some bills online and I thought since I was already online... I might as... well... you know...?

QS#1: You're ALWAYS blogging.

Quirky: No I'm not! Oh, I looked up that thing... you know that... thing? What was it you wanted me to look up for you again? (nervous chuckle)

Dang!

I guess you really can't fool kids, can you?

They know.

Oh, how they know!







B.S. No blogs were harmed during the production of this post.

B.B.S. Note to Quirky: only blog during school hours when the kids are away.

B.B.B.S They start Winter Break after school on Friday.

B.B.B.B.S. That's today.

B.B.B.B.B.S. Oh nooooooooooooooooooo!!

Five Life Changing Books!

I decided I needed to share with all of you some very important book titles.

These are, hands down, the best books ever written and I highly, highly recommend them. If you haven't read them, go to your library or Amazon.com and get yourself a copy.

These books literally saved my life! Actually, I guess it's really figuratively, since books don't have arms or legs or brainz last time I checked. But after reading these books I found myself a stronger person: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Make haste, make haste! Go and get ye the books!

You can thank me later.

1. Going Tuna by Pariah Saylin Tuna fish are the long-forgotten fish. Everybody thinks they're just for making casseroles and sandwiches, but there is much, much, much more to a Tuna than you think. It's a fascinating and riveting educational book. Have you ever wondered why REO chose their album title "You Can Tune A Piano, But You Can't Tuna Fish?" The answer is in this book. Also I have found that this book ensures a timely sleep pattern. Reading just one or two sentences each night will make certain that you get a good and restful sleep.


2. The Lost Cymbal by Dan Crown It's a highly suspenseful drama and thriller when the Nazareth High School band loses their precious cymbal. Follow our hero Robert Langlinford solve the puzzling predicament as he strives to help the high-school in need. He begins to realize the importance of cymbals and in an awe-inspiring tale he shares what will be the most shocking cymbal of all. We all need more cymbals like we we need more cowbell. Cymbals are important too.


3. Under The Moan by Stephen Kning There is a moaning going on in a small town in Maine. The residents are slowly going crazy and turning on each other. Read the latest horror thriller by the master himself and find yourself in a fear so gripping you'll moan out loud! Surprisingly, studies show that steady moaning aids in de-stressing your life and can lead to a happier and more peaceful existence. And moaning is most certainly an integral part of dealing with daily horrors.


4. The Love Bites Saga by Stephanie Miler Follow our heroine Stella as she goes boy crazy and starts looking for Mr. Right. She knows you can't find love without a nip or two. So many are looking for love, let Stella show you the way. And we all know that what the world needs now is more biting love.


5. I, Felix Dross by Jamie Platterson Felix Dross's life is at a crossroads. He finds out that his sugar kitten has been murdered and the clues lead him to believe that the government is involved. He is devastated that he finally got her all set up and ready to be his on-demand sex-kitten and then she is brutally murdered. This is a must read for anyone who wants to learn how to effectively and practically deal with the United States Government and sex-kittens.

Are you ready to thank me?

Not yet?

Hmm.



B.S. No books were harmed during the production of this post. Quirky's credibility as an avid reader is shot now, but hey, who's counting?

Christmas Gift List-Page Two

Well, let's get this party started shall we?

In case you've forgotten the first part of my Christmas Gift List. Do not worry. I am more than happy to remind you.

Now, I'm ready.

Are you?

*sly grin*

Who's the next lucky sucker person?

Ah, yes. Ms. Mamaface from Blogignoramus. There are soooo many things I could think to ask her for (and get) but I think I'll just take her iPhone. She says she never uses it. I'll be happy to put it to good use. Oh, what the heck, we're friends. Go ahead and include, I dunno, a 100 dollar iTunes card, k? I'm revving up for the apps even as I type! Oh my heck! I just thought of something. I could download Law & Order eppies!

*thud*

Okay, it's ten minutes later, my sons have awakened me from my fainting stupor.

Reffie, hmm? Still thinking on that one.

Allrighty then, let's move on. Deb from Dirty Socks and Pizza, I want your "dancing" washing machine. And perhaps a good dose of your humorous wisdom. Mine is definitely lacking these days. I remember you doing some videos awhile back but I heard you were now passing out printed pamphlets with your wisdom and advice for surviving teens. It's called, Surviving Teenagers for Dummies. I'm especially interested in the chapter: Tough Love is Love You Dummy! Sounds incredibly intriguing!

And the Dearest Em whose blog always "edjamacates" me, I want your printed pamphlet too. I think it's called "Philosophical Philosophies for Dummies"? Make sure to autograph it for me, cuz I'm your number one Dummie fan! Philosophically speaking, of course.

Fair lady Collette, howza about a Babushka or two? Remind me again. What is a babushka? It sounds like something I would like. Let's hope it is, cuz I'm getting one from YOU.

My rocker buddy Nonamedufus who I've recently nick-named Nomie as in "homie." I would like a collection of ALL your Sunday Funnies. He finds some treasures that are definitely keepers. And since you so bluntly called my butt a "largeass" yesterday, howzabout a Tony Little Gazelle Rider? It's the least you can do for me and my largeass.

And I think my dear friend Kablooey should make me coconut cream pies made from fresh coconuts year round. And if you don't know how to make one? Ask Maryanne. You know which Maryanne I'm talking about. But please don't think I ever enjoyed watching Gilligan's Island. Ahem.

I can't believe I'm going to ask for this next thing, but what the heck. The adrenaline is just pumping with a capital pump through my veins. So Mr. Mike at Too Many Mornings I'd like a bag of oranges. *cheesy grin*

From my fellow Arizonan The Screaming MeMe, I want her gun. With ammo.

And last, but not least The Old Silly Marvin. One word: audiotape. He claims to have been a rock singer in his day, he claims to play the guitar. All I know is I have YET to hear it, or better yet, SEE it. Ahem. Quirky minds WANT to hear! And see!

Wow.

I guess that's all for now.

Don't you worry your comely little heads. If I think of something more? I'll be sure to let you know in plenty of time.

And let's just FedEx everything okay?

You want to make sure I get the gift BEFORE Christmas, right?

And if for any reason you are unable to give me the suggested gift items? Just give me cold hard cash. It would be tough to accept cash in lieu of a gift, but somehow, someway, I would reach into the far recesses of my heart to do so... willingly.

I knew you all would appreciate my thoughtfulness.

I just knew it!




B.S. Still no gifts were received let alone harmed during the production of this post. What gives people? I'm starting to feel... edgy!

My Christmas Gift List

Oh, I've been so busy planning for Christmas this year.

It's been insane!

But I've finally finished my Christmas Gift List. It is always so difficult to know what gift will be the perfect gift. It took a lot of time and thought. And we all know it's the thought that counts.

So now I give to you my Christmas Gift List. Please be sure to take note of what I'll be expecting from you. The anticipation is killing me. I really can't wait to receive the following gifts.

What?

You thought I was going to GIVE gifts?

It's nice to dream.

You make me laugh, my silly (and hopefully GENEROUS) cyber-friends!

Let's get started shall we?

Ms. Offensive Chelle I would like a twelve dozen tacos, with extra jalapenos. And please tell Jesus to stop skimping on the meat! He still makes a tasty taco, but I want more meat! Mmm, my mouth is watering.

From the dearest and "driveliest" Debbie, I would like the state of Maine. Yes, the entire state. You know so much about it and you have painted a lovely picture my dear.

VE I want you to let me have the gnomes at my disposal for one month. I've got some home projects I could really use their help with. The dishes, laundry, writing my blog, vacuuming, dusting, giving me money, shopping, etc. Yeah, I really want those gnomes.

Dear Ettarose I would like my own Quirkyloon Parade. You organize it, make sure there are lots of zombie floats (not the beverage kind) and plenty of goodies, okay? Hey, I would even be willing to ride on one of the floats. You could call me, I dunno, "Queen of the Zombies?" Yes, that has a very nice ring to it.

Oh and I can't forget Dana. Three words: cuttlebutt, cards, zombies. And make it a wide variety, okay?

Let's see what shall Reffie get me? Her Macbook? Possibility. Her computer skills? Even greater possibility. Heck I'd even settle for some her fudge. Oh wait, I won her contest (not based on merit *sob*) and she's going to send me some. *slurp* Well I'll get back with you Reffie on this one, okay?

I think I'd like some socks from the Cat Lady Larew. I've heard she gives good socks. By the way, I like all sorts of colors of socks, it doesn't need to be boring white, okay?

From Ms. Joanne I want her to push me forward. She seems to be moving along just fine, but I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. So Joanne, please push me forward! But not too hard, okay? I feel exhausted already at the thought of the effort. *smile*

Knucklehead could you please tell me how to make a knuckle sandwich? I'm still unclear about what ingredients are in one. I just hope no mustard, pickles, or olives are involved, but hopefully lots of japs (jalapenos) are part of the "sandwichey" medley.

(Loud noisy disturbance.)

Quirky hears a very faint "Mo-om!" in the distance.

WHAT?

No, I'm busy!

Criminy! The boy needs me! But don't worry, I'll be finishing my list tomorrow.

I've still got lots more to ask for.

After all, I don't want ANYONE to feel left out.

Yes, I'm generous that way.

And thoughtful too.





B.S. No gifts were received during the production of this post, but that should be changing very soon. Very soon!

Letter to Lenore

Dear Lenore,

You know how much I care for you. I consider you to be the daughter I've never had. You hold a special place in my heart and I want you to be happy and successful in your future endeavors.

I know being a teen undead girl is a difficult thing to be during these times. You're growing into your undeadness and your brainz must be in so much turmoil and confusion right now.

Let's face it, it is difficult to find acceptance as one of the undead. You are trying so hard to fit in with others because you want to feel like you belong.

I get that.

I want that for you too.

I'm on your side my Undie-Dweetie (Undead Sweetie)!

But I have to tell you something.

I know, I know. You don't want to hear it. You don't want to confront the issue at hand. I have faith Lenore that we can work this out, but we do need to talk Undie-Dweetie. I know this is going to make you feel very uncomfortable and trust me I feel a little strange about it too. Most undead teens don't like talk to their parents about this sensitive issue. I know you look at me as an Undead Motherfigure.

I love that!

I'm honored and it touches my heart.

But Undie-Dweetie? You bit my finger! It's not a zombie chicken fingerz! And if you ever do that again? It's going to get ugly.

I have a machete and I will use it.

Because the only way out from being Undead is to behead one.

I have great aim Dweetie. No, Dweetheart, it's not a threat. It's a fact, a bona fide fact. No not that kind of bone, silly undead girl!

Just remember I am OFF limits, okay?

By the way, I noticed you looking at my ears a lot. Please stop now.

Now go and get those special sugar cookies I made just for you! I frosted them with pig brainz. Tastes like chicken brainz!

Mmm-mmm good!

Want some strawberry milk with that? I think I've got just enough blood to whip up that milk into a tantalizing bloodlicious refreshment.


Frightfully Yours,



Quirkyloonz



B.Z. Lenore was not harmed during the production of this post. I'm still sharpening the machete. She likes to watch me as I do it. It's the thrill of the blade!

I Spy A Laden Money Pie!

I just remembered something.

There is a FIFTY MILLION DOLLAR Reward for the capture of Osama Bin Laden. That's a whole lot of millions.

That could come in real handy about right now. It could have come in handy even yesterday or the day before, or the decade before that. I think you get my drift.

So now I've got a plan.

I'm going to find him.

Then I'll be rich.

I "heard" he likes to play games, especially with Americans.

I'm an American.

This could work.

I like games.

Sounds like a win-win situation, no? Or should that be a win-bin situation?

Ha!


Let the quirky games begin.

"Oh-sah-maaaaa. Here Binny, Binny. Come out, come out wherever you are!"

"Laden, Laden in come free!"

"Hey Osamie Baby! Let's play Hide-n-Seek. I'll hide and YOU find me. Count to ten. No, not in Arabic, silly!"

"Say, say Osama
Won't you come play with me
And bring your Jihad three
Climb in my bunker see,

Slide down my morals
Into Al Qaeda doors
And we'll be frenemies
Forever more, more, more, more, more!

Say, say Bin Laden
I cannot to play with you,
Americans have the swine flu,
Boohoo, hoohoo, hoo, hoo

Ain't got no plutonium
Can't make no nuke warheads
But you'll be an infidel,
Forever more, more, more, more, more!"

Hmm.

It's not working...yet.

Ah!

I'm going to Google him. I'm sure Google knows where he is. Google knows everything. I'll let you know when I find him.

On second thought, maybe I won't.

I'm sure all sorts of vermin-bloggers will be crawling out of the blog-woods to come and beg me for money once I get that cold hard cash in my grubby hands.

And I won't be sharing.

Cuz it'll be mine, mine, MINE!

'Tis the season for sharing?

Not for me.

Mine.



B.S. Osama Bin Laden was NOT harmed during the production of this post. Let's hope Quirky doesn't get harmed for the production of this post. Let's hope Blogger doesn't ban her from blogging for the production of this post.

B.B.S. Uh oh. A dark sedan just pulled into our driveway. Two men in dark suits and sunglasses are coming to my front door. The doorbell. Dang! No time to put the fake boob on! Oh well. "You get what you get and you don't get upset!"

B.B.B.S. Quirky is playing with fire, ain't she?

12 Days Of Loonmas

Me me me ME me me me!

Clear your throats and get ready to sing!

Um Reffie? That should be a "g" not a "c" Girlfriend.

Okay all ready?

A one, two. A one two three four!



On the first day of Loonmas
Dear Google sent to me
Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the second day of Loonmas,
Dear Google sent to me
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the third day of Loonmas,
Dear Google sent to me
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the fourth day of Loonmas,
Dear Google sent to me
Four Nonamedufi,
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the fifth day of Loonmas,
Dear Google sent to me
Five Old Sillies!
Four Nonamedufi,
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the sixth day of Loonmas,
Dear Google sent to me
Six Too Many Mornings,
Five Old Sillies!
Four Nonamedufi,
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the seventh day of Loonmas,
Dear Google sent to me
Seven Dirty Socks and Pizza,
Six Too Many Mornings,
Five Old Sillies!
Four Nonamedufi,
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the eighth day of Loonmas,
Dear Google sent to me
Eight Blog-Ignoramus,
Seven Dirty Socks and Pizza,
Six Too Many Mornings,
Five Old Sillies!
Four Nonamedufi,
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the ninth day of Loonmas,
Dear Google sent to me
Nine Cat Lady Larews,
Eight Blog-Ignoramus,
Seven Dirty Socks and Pizza,
Six Too Many Mornings,
Five Old Sillies!
Four Nonamedufi,
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the tenth day of Loonmas,
Dear Google sent to me
Ten Collette's Babushkas
Nine Cat Lady Larews,
Eight Blog-Ignoramus,
Seven Dirty Socks and Pizza,
Six Too Many Mornings,
Five Old Sillies!
Four Nonamedufi,
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.


On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eleven Knuckleheads Humor
Ten Collette's Babushkas
Nine Cat Lady Larews,
Eight Blog-Ignoramus,
Seven Dirty Socks and Pizza,
Six Too Many Mornings,
Five Old Sillies!
Four Nonamedufi,
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve Life, Liberty and Pursuits,
Eleven Knuckleheads Humor,
Ten Collette's Babushkas
Nine Cat Lady Larews,
Eight Blog-Ignoramus,
Seven Dirty Socks and Pizza,
Six Too Many Mornings,
Five Old Sillies!
Four Nonamedufi,
Three VE Gnomes,
Two Screaming MeMes,
And Confessions of a Reffie Geek.

Very nice bloggers. Marvin, you were a little off in a few spots, but I have faith you'll improve. Blog-Ignoramus? You might want to cut back on the vibrato. Just a wee bit, okay? And VE could you please control your gnomes? They can be quite... annoying. Okay folks, good work today. Be back tomorrow ready to sing.

All right!

Song Practice Dismissed!



B.S. No Nonamedufi were harmed during the production of this post. Nonamedufi is plural of Nonamedufus. He rocks.


*source

Everybody Hurts...Sometimes

You call it emotional torture.

I call it a distraction.

One of the greatest teaching tools with young children is the use of distraction. I use it all the time with my six-year-old. The twelve-year-old has gotten wise to my ways and doesn't fall for it anymore. Drat!

Back to the six-year-old who hasn't wisened up...yet.

"Mom, I can't do my homework because my finger hurts."

"Oh Sweetie! That is so sad. Here let me see your finger."

He shows me the "wounded" digit.

"Oh, that looks bad!"

He nods his head at me in agreement and seems surprised that I concur with his preliminary diagnoses.

"Son I think I'm going to have to take you to the doctor to get a shot to take away the pain."

He jerks his hand away from me.

"Mom, I think it's feeling better! Look! I can hold my pencil now!"

"Really? That's great! Are you sure? We could still go get that shot."

"No Mom, really it's okay."

We have had this same conversation many, many times.

There was the time when he couldn't get the trash cans and bring them to me because his right leg hurt. Then there was the time when his arm hurt and he couldn't pick up his room. Oh yeah, I remember with fondness the time he couldn't walk to school because his little toe hurt.

Each of these times, I have generously offered to take him to the doctor, but he refuses.

Then he miraculously and quickly heals.

It's astounding!

Yesterday, I noticed he had the sniffles and it sounded like it's blooming into a full-fledged cold. Ugh. I asked him how he was feeling.

"I'm okay Mom."

"But Mom?"

"Yes?"

"My head really hurts."

"Oh Sweetie, I'm sorr...."

"Wait." He put his hand out in stop signal mode. "I don't need to go to the doctor. I don't want a shot."

Then he walked away with his head held high. I laughed silently. I wasn't even going to suggest the doctor this time.

Not this time.




B.S. No children or doctors were harmed during the production of this post, but Quirky did get a belly ache from all the stifled laughter.

BaBa WahWah

I think Ms. WahWah is losing it.

I watched her Ten Most Fascinating People show.

The first person? Lady Gaga.

That was a bad sign.

So we learn she is bisexual. Wow. Who'd thunk it? She does french kiss girls in her videos. BaBa dug deep.

Next, Jenny Sanford? Huh? Because she didn't stand by her cheating man unlike Elizabeth Edwards or even Hillary Clinton. Ooooo-kay. BaBa's great question to Ms. Sanford: "Your husband has called his mistress in Argentina his soul mate. Were you his soul mate?" Ms. Sanford replied, "Apparently not."

Duh.

Tyler Perry. Great rags to riches story. You go boy!

Kate Gosselin? For real? Kate? The screamer and yeller who loved to emasculate her husband on television Kate? That Kate?

My eye twitch began about that time. Yes, yes, yes, I could have changed the channel, but I was watching the blog fodder grow by the nanosecond. It was a glorious sight to behold.

Glenn Beck. Ha! I was so grateful he didn't get "passionate" during the interview. He gets me all anxious and I can feel my adrenaline and blood pressure increasing whenever I listen to him.

Adam Lambert. "I'm a homosexual. Deal with it."

Adam? "I think you blew it. Deal with it." I only saw tidbits from THE performance. But he even ticked off Dick Clark! Nobody messes with my Dick.... Clark! (I can't believe I wrote that! I should delete it, but won't, because I'm evile.)

Brett Favre. *yawn* You can read so many varying opinions about the on again/off again/now on again football star Mr. Favre. No need to add another one to the already boiling pot.

Sarah Palin. Most interesting thing she had to mention? Moose chili. "It's great protein BaBa." I started salivating! Yeesh.

Jackson Children. I admit that I find them a wee bit fascinating only because I wondered what kind of a father Michael really was. But as Ms. WahWah commented, "the future remains to be seen how they handle the wealth, the fame, and living under the shadow of their famous father." Oh, and my funny bone got a major tickle from a previous interview clip, "I don't want my son being called Wacko Jacko. That's not nice."

I can't explain why this made me laugh real hard. Even my husband gave me a strange look. He usually laughs WITH me. I guess it is because I am so "not nice."

The most interesting person: Michelle Obama.

I called it before BaBa announced it. And of course there were the obligatory comments regarding her arms. You work it Girlfriend! (Am I allow to address the First Lady as Girlfriend?)

It was a meh show, in my not so humble opinion.

Still thinking about that moose chili.

I could always use more protein in my life.

But I could stand to lose the BaBa and the WahWah too!

*wah wah*





B.S. No moose were harmed during the production of this post.

B.B.S. BaBa WahWah spelling intentional. Is that nice?

B.B.B.S. Please don't answer that.

Leave It To Quirky

To laugh out loud at an inappropriate moment.

Fourteen people are sitting in chairs forming a circle. It's a cancer support group meeting. Our group leader suggested that we share the ways we de-stress especially with holiday season upon us. The purpose of the group is to update our cancer situations and learn from each other. I find it to be a cathartic experience, remembering my journey, respecting the experience, because it's something I can NEVER forget. It is forever a part of my life. Plus, only having one boob makes it hard to forget.

Tulip (not her real name): So let's go around the room and get updates on everyone and why don't you share with us how you de-stress, because the holiday season can be very stressful.

Petunia (not her real name): When I focus on others, I find that relieves my stress.

Kaffar Lily: I like to do crafts, but my full-time job keeps me from doing them often.

(group chuckles)

Kaffar Lily's Husband: I'm stressed. I've been out of job with no prospects in sight. I usually work in the construction field.

(Quirky thinks: ouch.)

Finally it's my turn.

Quirky: I'm doing great! There's a lesion on my sternum and my hip, but I'm doing terrific! No chemo yet. It's great! I've got cancer, but it's not being naughty! It's being nice. Humor and laughter always help me to de-stress. I'll laugh at anything! (An omen.)

(group chuckles)

Carnation: Focusing on my family helps relieve stress in my life.

These were the kind of comments going around the room until the last guy. He's Buttercup, the caregiver of Petunia (in other words, he's her husband).

Buttercup: I like to write. Somebody mentioned cathartic (Quirky is thinking: Me, me, ME!) and I find that writing is quite cathartic. I just write whatever is in my head. One time I wrote a whole bunch of profanities. Once I got that out of my system, I was able to write something more. Another way I de-stress is through music. Music is very important to me (Quirky's ears perk up.) Especially through Gregorian Chants.

Quirky snorts and laughs out loud.

Everyone turned and looked at me.

Ooops.

He was serious? Thank goodness Buttercup is laid-back. He was not offended. But really, I thought he was joking around. Gregorian Chants? I thought he was going to say classical music or even (the dreaded) country music, but no. Gregorian Chants. He was definitely not joking so, I, of course, had to take it one step further.

Q: So Buttercup where exactly is that station on the FM dial?

More laughter.

Q: Sorry.

*snort, snort, snort*

Yeah, I sounded real sorry.

*snort, snort, snort*

Ha ha ha. Hee hee hee. Ho ho ho.

*snort*

I really need to think before I snort out loud.

*snort*






B.S. No Gregorian Chants were chanted or harmed during the production of this post. But Quirky's butt might get harmed when she's kicked out and banned from any future support group meetings. Hee hee.

A Quirky Holiday Letter

Rough draft of the Quirky Family 2009 Holiday Letter:



Dear Friends and Family,

2009 was a terrific year for the Quirky Family and we wanted to give ourselves a huge shout out about it.

Quirky Hubs (QH) finally got out of jail! It's been a long ten years without my man. No more weekly trips to penitentiary, no more conjugal visits. But the good thing is: he got a law degree while incarcerated. Joy, joy, joy! I just hope he's learned that stocking Sheriff Joe Arpaio was probably not a good choice. I was surprised to learn that Sheriff Joe didn't take too kindly to it. My husband kept mailing him these long woolen stockings. They were so nice! But apparently the Sheriff has a zero tolerance rule on stalking, erm, I mean stocking. I feel so blessed that this ordeal is finally over. I just wish QH wasn't always asking for striped shirts, striped ties, and pin striped suits. It seems stripes has become his favorite pattern for all of this clothing. I just can't figure out why.

Quirky Son#1, our handsome twelve year old, has finally started doing drugs. It's about time. Now every time he asks for coke? I have to ask him, "Powder or drink, Son?" I believe 1000% in supporting my son in his extracurricular activities. Yes, I'm "that" Mom. I'm always willing to make any sacrifice to keep him happy and stoned. I even suggested to him to start dealing. He's always pestering me for money and I think it's time he earn the big bucks on his own. I think he's going to be a natural. Oh, and I think he's a got not one, but ten girlfriends!

Sweeeeeeeeeeeet Emotion! "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith

Quirky Son#2, our sweet, curious six-year-old, has also discovered a natural talent: fire starting. We always had a feeling once he learned how to use the lighters, he would be a'firing up all sorts of things. And he did! Boy howdy he most certainly did: the lawn furniture, the shed, the trees! Why, he even tried to light one of the dogs on fire. Isn't that cute? We got a whole lot of belly laughs at that one! Yessiree Bob, he has not disappointed us yet. He's moved on from general destruction to incineration. He's a quick study.

Whoa, oh, oh, I'm on fire! "I'm On Fire" by Bruce Springsteen

I feel so blessed that both my sons have learned what their talents are at an early age. They won't be wanderers and drifters through life, never knowing what they are good at. They are baby stepping their way to long, lucrative careers.

I couldn't be any prouder!

As for me? I'm still preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. I just wish others would take this upcoming event more seriously. In fact, I've even written a book it's titled: YZombie: Year of the Zombie Apocalypse. I still have about thousand copies that haven't sold. Actually that's all I could afford to self publish/print were those thousand copies. So if you all want to purchase one, I would be much obliged. Each book is selling for $59.95. It's worth its weight in zombies. I've mixed in some humor with a lot of practical advice in dealing with zombies. I'll let you know when and if I sell my first copy. In the meantime, the books make for a great coffee table. We just pile them up in a nice neat rectangular pile and I put my skull and crossbones table cloth over it and waa-laa!

Sometimes I give myself the creeps. "Basket Case" by Green Day

Yep, 2009 has been a year of joy for our family and we can't wait to see what 2010 brings!

We say: bring it on, baby!

Bring. It. On.

Til the zombies strike.

Zombie nips to you all!

Happy Holidays.

From our Quirky Family to yours.



-----------

Hmm.

Okay, so the letter is a little rough around the edges.

Just a little.




B.S. No holiday letters were harmed during the production of this post. No family members including canines were harmed during the production of this post. No such holiday letter ever existed during the production of this post. Any similarities are purely INSANE, erm, I mean coincidental.

Trader Toe's

Have you heard about this new specialty store? It's a knock off of Trader Joe's.

Introducing.... Trader Toe's!

You can find your vegan products, kosher, heart healthy, vegetarian, no gluten ingredients used products; all the same quality high-end items at a fraction of the price.

Check out some of their best sellers.

1. Gouda Squirt Cheese in a Can. It's so gooda, you won't be able to resist!
   
2. Beef Jerky Meatballs. They last and last and last. Warning: This product is not recommended for those afflicted with TMJ.
   
3. McCheese. This is our answer to McDonald's with our healthy gourmet version of macaroni and cheese. Enjoy a healthy serving of the macaroni cheese, with a side of bean sprouts and an 8 oz. container of soy milk. Your kids will never want to eat at a regular fat-laden McDonald's again!
   
4. Variety of Organic Produce. All produce has been serenaded with 24/7 Phantom of the Opera organ music. The music enhances their growth production and how well they ripen.
   
5. The Great Pumpkin Pancake Mix developed by none other than Linus Van Pelt (former friend and colleague of Charlie Brown). Our advice? Don't wait!
   
6. Apple Crushers. These treats were developed by Apple's, Steve Wozniak (former flame of Kathy Griffin). He loved to snack while computing and came up with this delicious and nutritious snack.
   
7. Meringue Cookies. Another great specialty item. You will be able to dance the merengue once you have eaten one dozen meringue cookies. Try the Green Chile Meringue Cookies for faster results (only six cookies need to be consumed for dancing results).
   
8. Dark Chocolate Mint UFO's. What better snack to have while watching for UFO's? This cookie will complement any space gazing evening.
   
9. Rainbows End Trail Mix. This item is a hot seller among our lesbian customers. We're not sure why, but we do know that each serving contains over 25g protein and only 4-6g net carbs!
   
10. Extra Virgin Olive Oil. No longer in stock. Sadly, no virgins could be found to continue this product line.
    
11. KaPOW Kung Pao Noodles & Sauce. Recommended by Superheroes all over the world, this dish will give you an extra adrenaline rush that will aid in fighting off bullies, vampires, and even zombies.
    
12. Handcrafted Cheese & Green Chile Tamales. Each tamale is hand made and hand crafted by the Amish People. All proceeds go to the purhase of a complete Amish DIY Kit which includes: butter churn, lye soap recipe, five extra large bags of feathers, spinning wheel, and battery-operated flashlight.
    
13. Pesto Pizza. Being overrun by pests? Put them on a pizza and then enjoy an eating sensation that beats all others. Ants, Flies, and Crickets are the top selling pizza topping pests. If you like it spicy, try the bees.

Look for a location near you at www.DEXKNOWS.com. And remember if it's not Trader Toe's it's not toetally delicious!

No tip-toeing necessary.





B.S. Trader Toe's is not affiliated with or endorsed by Trader Joe's. Any similarities are purely coincidental.

B.S.S. And if you believe that, I've got some Moon Land Plots I'd like to sell you.

Dun Dun

Many of you have already learned that I tend to have a slightly addictive personality.

Currently, I'm addicted to zombies, Diet Dr. Pepper, Bejeweled Blitz, Plants vs. Zombies game and the television show.... Law & Order.

Dun dun!

So imagine my delight as I was pulling into the parking lot of the local WalMart (yes, I shop there and I am not ashamed to admit it) and I saw this:



I waved to the mobile billboard.

Hi guys!

What a nice surprise! It's great to see you!

I'll be watching for you later, okay?

Oh, and Detective Stabler? Looking goo-ood! You are one mighty fi-ine male specimen! rrrRRRRrrrr! Pour some sugar on me, baby!

I was overcome with pure joy when I saw the truck. I broke into a huge smile. It made me feel warm and fuzzy all over. Who knew that crime drama could be so satisfying and edifying? Who knew that depictions of horrible sex crimes and murders would make my psyche rejoice?

Goosebumps pop out on my arms whenever I hear:

(deep male voice)

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

Dun dun.

Obviously, it doesn't take much to make me happy. Heaven forbid the series ever end. I'll probably go into a deep depression or something.

Ah, yes! I love the Law & Order series, especially Law & Order SVU.

It warms the cockles of my heart.

Dun dun.



B.S. No episodes of Law & Order were harmed during the production of this post. Lots of people were victimized, brutally assaulted physically and sexually during the production of the show, but not MY blog post production.

Sparrow The Rod, Spoil the Wuss!

I was attacked!

I'm still shaking.

Quirkyloon's agenda for Friday morning. Got up. Peed. Washed hands. Went to make sure QS#2 (six-year-old) was getting ready for school and of course, he wasn't. "Let's see should I watch SpongeBob or get ready for school like Mom told me to do." I think you know the answer. And yes, I turned off the t.v. and reminded him of the rule: "No television until you are completely ready."

After that, I harassed QS#1 (twelve-year-old) to brush his teeth, because he hadn't done it ALL day yesterday. (How's he supposed to impress the girls with his KILLER breath?) He brushed, Axed, and left. (The AXE fragrance is sill lingering some five hours later.)

Quirky Hubs and I loaded up QS#1 and car-pool girl (who lives across the street) and drove them to school. I drove Quirky Hubs to work (his truck is in the shop and yes it is a bummer being a one-car family).

I came home, showered, shaved, farted, then went to my doctor's appointment. For $55.00 (my copay and yes, we have a money tree growing in our backyard HA!) he told me all my scans were basically okay, except one lesion on my hip bone had gotten larger. "It's par for the course." Hmm, I wonder if he had Tiger Woods on his mind. Anyhoo, he's not worried? So I'm not worried.

Then I went shopping. I won't bore you with all those details. *smile*

I came home and entered with bags in hand only to see a suspicious bloody, black, and feathery pile on my dining room floor.

What the feather?

I took a closer look.

It was BIRDKILL!

Dang dogs! Killed a sparrow and left it on my dining room floor!

I was NOT happy.

But wait! There's more.

I spoke sharply to Maisy (one of the mutts) and pointed at the bird and said, "OUT!" Of course, she just looked at me and lazily plopped her canine butt on the floor and started winking her eyes to start dozing off!

No, no, NO!

"Maisy!"

Head and ears perked up for a nanosecond then flopped down again.

About that time, I heard the first of the terrifying flutters.

Dagnabbit! There was still another bird in the house?! And now?

It was flying TOWARDS me!

So what did I do?

I shrieked and screamed bloody murder.

I kept waving away at my head, hoping it wouldn't try landing on my flat-head! (Because it does make a nice landing spot.)

Flutter number two, he flew away from me.

I screamed.

Flutter number three, he flew at me again.

I shrieked and waved my hands at my head.

Flutter number four, he flew at me again.

I screamed.

Flutter number five, he flew into the kitchen!

I screamed waving my hands in the air!

Flutter number six, he flew onto the dining room table.

The dogs became extra alert.

I screamed (of course) and off he flew around the room.

By this time I'm worried that my neighbors were calling 911 because it was sounding like somebody was torturing me. I grabbed a grocery bag that had a 16 oz. glass jar of La Victoria salsa (tasty). Then the fluttering happened again!

Petrified by the oncoming fluttering assaults, I waved my hands around my head with the grocery bag in hand and began my own personal assault to my head with the salsa jar.

I was too terrified to take the time to set the bag down. He was diving at me, I was running, waving, and continued beating my head up with the salsa jar.

Finally, after he flew away from me, I ran to the Arcadia door and opened it. I ran to the front door and just before I got there, I thought I heard another flutter, so I whipped my head around and started the waving/banging my head business for a few seconds before realizing it was a false alarm. I opened the front door and left it wide open. I ran to my bedroom and called my husband at work. He listened to me freaking out and told me that it would be okay.

But there's still the birdkill on the floor! He told me to sweep it up into the dustpan.

I don't think I can.

Yes, I am a wuss.

A major wuss.

And my head hurts.

Badly.




B.S. One bird was harmed and one bird was set free during the production of this post. Quirky wishes she had grown up on a farm so she wouldn't be such a wuss about birds, mice, and other critters that are probably more afraid of her than she is of them.

B.S.S. I'm still shaking and my head hurts! I whacked it hard, several times! La Victoria wicked good taste and wicked hard when hit against the head.

It's On Belly Bella!

Dear Belly Bella,

You and I have had a long relationship. We've been through lots of ups and downs. But I thought it was important to remind you of an exciting event coming to you (us) soon.

Christmas.

And we don't even have to wait til Christmas Day.

Over the course of the next few weeks, we will be inundated with goodies galore. People will bequeath upon us chocolate fudge, peanut butter fudge, chocolate chip cookies, decorated sugar cookies, snickerdoodles, snickerquoodles (if you're lucky), brownies, pumpkin pies, pumpkin rolls, cheesecakes. Oh so, yummy yummy yummy!

Please talk to Pancreas Patty and make sure she's double ready to regulate all that extra sugar, okay?

But Belly Bella dear, it won't stop there!

Oh, no!

There will be cheese, glorious cheese. Cheese balls, pepper jack cheese, chili-cheese dips, cheddar cheese, cheesy potatoes, extra cheese on pizzas. My lips are smacking.

Please also talk to the large intestines and small intestines: Ines and Tina. I don't want any blockages or shortage of liquid causing a back up, you know? They got a little upset with me last season. I don't want them holding a grudge against me.

Dare I mention the meats?

I'm starting to salivate. They'll be spiral ham, roast turkey and burgers, burgers, burgers! 'Tis the season for fast-food burgers! Mmm-mmm good! In & Out Burgers, Whataburgers, even homemade burgers.

Before I forget, Linda the Liver should be forewarned as well. Lots of juicy iron coming her way!

And the peppers! Slurp, slurp, slurp! 'Tis the season to indulge your every jalapeno and hot pepper whim! Ladle the jalapeno slices onto your plate, adorn each cracker, condiment each burger and sandwich with spoonful after spoonful.

Now Belly Bella, don't look at me that way. I promise to take plenty of Tums so your acid levels won't exceed that which is comfortable for you. But please don't forget to remind Ines and Tina the large and small intestines. They are going to get a workout like no other. They'll be working double time to push out all that extra.... stuff!

Oh, and I almost forgot one more thing. You have got to remind Thelma and Thorlina Thighs, Bertha Butt, and Hazel Hips to stay far, far away from all this extra food! I know how they love to stockpile. But I don't want them taking on anymore than what they already have. It would be such a burden for them and yes, I'm considerate that way. I think about them often.

I know it's a lot Belly Bella, but just remember this: you're going to feel so good and full of it! Full of all this goody goodness and a bag of chips.

Really.

Until I step on the scale after the holiday season.

Then?

It will be war.

And it will get ugly.

Consider yourself warned Sweet Belly Bella. Don't let me down Girlfriend, make sure pancreas Patty and both the intestines: Ines and Tina, as well as Linda the Liver, Thelma and Thorlina Thighs, Bertha Butt and Hazel Hips are all on the same plate page, okay?

And now?

Let the food stuffs begin!


Sincerely,

Quirkyloon





B.S. No food was consumed during the production of this post. Brainz were consumed, not nearly as tasty as food, but very filling and nutritious.