- Wear comfy clothes. You'll be in the tube at least 30 minutes. This is not the time to worry about wearing designer brand names. In fact, you can't wear anything with metal, unless you WANT to wear the lovely hospital gown they'll be happy to lend you. Me? I prefer not mooning people as I walk from prep room to table/tube room.
- Clean your ears. I know you're probably wondering what clean ears has got to do with a scan. I will explain. Once you are in the tube, you cannot move. You must stay as still as possible, hence you don't want an ear itch that will drive you crazy and make the experience much worse than it has to be. And I wholeheartedly disagree with medical community, dig in there deep with a Q-tip, the deeper the better. Forget this surface only cleaning. I tell you that is just another sign of the wussification of America. Can you dig it?
- Blow your nose thoroughly before going. Remember the techs assisting you will have a full frontal view of nostrils and at least a half an inch into the nostril cavity. You don't want to be grossing them out with your danglers. Clean nostrils are a must!
- Look the other way when they prick you with a needle. At least that is what I always do. I don't enjoy watching sharp needles that cause me pain being inserted into my veins. Oh, and one more word of caution regarding the prick. (Hmm, that sounds bad.) Do not laugh or make chit chat with the tech who is about to stab you. I've been stabbed lots of times during the last two-and-a-half years and trust me, the friendlier they are and the more they laugh? The more pain you will be forced to endure from their stab. I'm talking from first hand experience (pun intended). The cool, aloof, serious and quiet ones? They are a joy to be pricked by! Most of the time you won't even feel the needle. But a gregarious friendly tech? Uh oh. Brace yourself. It's gonna hurt. Bad.
- Make sure you deodorize well. Nothing like sweating profusely in the tube and then you catch a whiff of your own B.O. You're going to want to move or jerk your arm and that is a big no no when being scanned. They'll have to re-do a part of, or heaven forbid, re-do the whole scan. You don't want that to happen. After all, they don't have a little dvd screen in there that you can watch. I wish they did. You can never watch too many episodes of Law&Order.
- Don't bother wearing any makeup. There are no secret cameras in the tube that are videotaping you. Plus, the weaker and the more pale you look can incite more sympathy from the techs and other patients. People will offer you things! Muffins, People and US magazines, coupons for free meals. The worse you look, the more they want to give. One time, I came home with an almost complete meal for dinner. That was nice. We ate well that night.
- Regarding PET scans, do NOT freak out when they inform you that they will be injecting radiated sugar into your veins. I've been injected at least ten times and it's actually resulted in a great benefit. Your skin will take on a slight glow. You'll look years younger thanks to the years of wrinkles radiating themselves away from your face. Really people tell me, I don't look a day over 25. *cough, cough* And think of all the money you could save from those anti-aging skin brightening creams. And my extra ear-lobe that grew on my right ear? Not a problem. My hair covers it up nicely.
- Last but not least, make sure you pack a drink and leave it in your car. Once done, you will feel worked over and want to reward yourself with a good stiff soda, juice, or water. Make it a double! I give you my permission. And enjoy your drink to the last drop. Diet Dr. Pepper is my choice of poison. Quite refreshing.
I feel like I've helped you all today.
I wish somebody had told me all of this before my lucrative scanning career began. Consider yourselves informed and educated.
And?
You're welcome!
B.S. No scans were performed during the production of this post.
12 comments:
As you know my second round is coming up and this time the docs have decided to mix my chemo with radiation. You've made some excellent points for me to follow. I identify with the needles. I've had so many I don't even feel them anymore. Except the IV ones in the back of the hand. Yowzer. Good luck with YOUR ordeal.
Well this is one post you can't just "scan". Got it bookmarked for future reference, just in case. Hey best wishes to you, Quirkster - you're a survivor and a great human being. Funny too - and I LIKE that about you!
Marvin D Wilson
That's such great advice and like Marvin, I'll keep it in mind and hope I never need it!
DDP is a great choice for afterwards!
Scanning may not be pleasant but let's hope it has replaced "exploratory surgery".
How about a reminder to pee before going for the scan? After all that liquid DDP confidence, you're gonna need to do that! (Besides, it just makes room for more as soon as you're done with the scan.) And I'm with you on the Qtips... they were meant to be shoved all the way into your ear. I don't know what those
ENT doctors are talking about...
I really must up the power in my reading glasses....."The Scam Stops Here". I kept reading and thinking what does an MRI have to do with a scam? Then when you got to your points of the procedure - I got it! Geeeesh.
I, too, will keep this for future reference and will pass it on to my son....thanks!
@Noname Veins can be little stinkers can't they? Not only can they be painful when pricked, but then they bleed all over you too. Little stinkers! hee hee
@TheOldSilly Thanks, but be sure to take note of nostril booger danglers. I've noticed in some of your online avatars..well...there is a little something extra hanging out. Just saying. *smile*
@Reffie True, but with explatory surgery? They put you OUT. You have no idea what they are doing and what they might have left inside of you: scalpel, sponge, needle, thread. hee hee hee
@Catlady Ah, thanks for reminding me. Actually, they always ask me before being inserted into the tube, do you need to go? I feel like answering YES, take me away from here! hee hee
@MeMe Is that a request for a post? Consider it done! Just not tomorrow, I've already got that post ready. *smile*
You know some doctor needs to post this - but I think they like to keep these procedures and how to get through them easier a secret. We had to find out from other people that chewing ice chips and drinking lots of water while doing chemo helps. At least we found out in time for my friend and my mom.
I have nothing to add other than I love that you recognize the wussification of America. You should consider running for office.
I didn't see anything about Valium or Xanax. hmmmmm. :)
Ditto the pee before tubing advice. Good luck to nonamedufus regarding his 2nd round and yeah, why the heck don't they tell you this stuff before you go?
"The cool, aloof, serious and quiet ones? They are a joy to be pricked by!"
Why is it that despite what women say they always prefer that sort of man instead of us sensitive types, even when it comes to getting a scan? It's so unfair....
Anyway, I hope I never need a scan, but thanks for the tips, Quirky. I actually won't forget them because that's how my mind works, so you've done me a real service.
@Joanne Yes, I remember the ice-chips. Actually popsicles helped me during chemo. Except the orange flavored ones, those made me throw up. And I did throw up... a lot! *smile*
@Mamaface Xanax or valium? I am not a wussy quirky! I like to torture myself as much as possible, oh and others too. *smile*
@Kablooey Yes, why don't they tell you. Probably cuz you're so overwhelmed by the whole darn thing, but still. Who knows how many offensive boogers those techs had the joy of seeing! hee hee
@MikeWJ Hmm, I thought you were going to say women always like bad boys. So the sensitive ones are friendly and gregarious? If so, YOU HURT! If not, then I'm grateful for your gentle, sensitive touch. *smile*
I'm guessing consumption of alcohol products is NOT suggested before the scan? Give me valium!
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