A Quirky Holiday Letter

Rough draft of the Quirky Family 2009 Holiday Letter:



Dear Friends and Family,

2009 was a terrific year for the Quirky Family and we wanted to give ourselves a huge shout out about it.

Quirky Hubs (QH) finally got out of jail! It's been a long ten years without my man. No more weekly trips to penitentiary, no more conjugal visits. But the good thing is: he got a law degree while incarcerated. Joy, joy, joy! I just hope he's learned that stocking Sheriff Joe Arpaio was probably not a good choice. I was surprised to learn that Sheriff Joe didn't take too kindly to it. My husband kept mailing him these long woolen stockings. They were so nice! But apparently the Sheriff has a zero tolerance rule on stalking, erm, I mean stocking. I feel so blessed that this ordeal is finally over. I just wish QH wasn't always asking for striped shirts, striped ties, and pin striped suits. It seems stripes has become his favorite pattern for all of this clothing. I just can't figure out why.

Quirky Son#1, our handsome twelve year old, has finally started doing drugs. It's about time. Now every time he asks for coke? I have to ask him, "Powder or drink, Son?" I believe 1000% in supporting my son in his extracurricular activities. Yes, I'm "that" Mom. I'm always willing to make any sacrifice to keep him happy and stoned. I even suggested to him to start dealing. He's always pestering me for money and I think it's time he earn the big bucks on his own. I think he's going to be a natural. Oh, and I think he's a got not one, but ten girlfriends!

Sweeeeeeeeeeeet Emotion! "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith

Quirky Son#2, our sweet, curious six-year-old, has also discovered a natural talent: fire starting. We always had a feeling once he learned how to use the lighters, he would be a'firing up all sorts of things. And he did! Boy howdy he most certainly did: the lawn furniture, the shed, the trees! Why, he even tried to light one of the dogs on fire. Isn't that cute? We got a whole lot of belly laughs at that one! Yessiree Bob, he has not disappointed us yet. He's moved on from general destruction to incineration. He's a quick study.

Whoa, oh, oh, I'm on fire! "I'm On Fire" by Bruce Springsteen

I feel so blessed that both my sons have learned what their talents are at an early age. They won't be wanderers and drifters through life, never knowing what they are good at. They are baby stepping their way to long, lucrative careers.

I couldn't be any prouder!

As for me? I'm still preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. I just wish others would take this upcoming event more seriously. In fact, I've even written a book it's titled: YZombie: Year of the Zombie Apocalypse. I still have about thousand copies that haven't sold. Actually that's all I could afford to self publish/print were those thousand copies. So if you all want to purchase one, I would be much obliged. Each book is selling for $59.95. It's worth its weight in zombies. I've mixed in some humor with a lot of practical advice in dealing with zombies. I'll let you know when and if I sell my first copy. In the meantime, the books make for a great coffee table. We just pile them up in a nice neat rectangular pile and I put my skull and crossbones table cloth over it and waa-laa!

Sometimes I give myself the creeps. "Basket Case" by Green Day

Yep, 2009 has been a year of joy for our family and we can't wait to see what 2010 brings!

We say: bring it on, baby!

Bring. It. On.

Til the zombies strike.

Zombie nips to you all!

Happy Holidays.

From our Quirky Family to yours.



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Hmm.

Okay, so the letter is a little rough around the edges.

Just a little.




B.S. No holiday letters were harmed during the production of this post. No family members including canines were harmed during the production of this post. No such holiday letter ever existed during the production of this post. Any similarities are purely INSANE, erm, I mean coincidental.