Hello, I'm Chris Hansen. Welcome to another episode of To Catch A Pizza. Tonight's shocking episode features a clandestine rendezvous between a young, sweet, innocent 14-year-old girl and one "pizza" delivery guy. Mmm-hmm. "Pizza." Sure. Here is our latest sting. You be the judge.
Pizza Guy rings the door bell.
Eliza: Oh, come right in. I just need to get my purse.
Pizza Guy walks in.
Eliza: Go ahead into the kitchen and wait for me there. I'll be right down.
Pizza Guy: Okay.
Pizza Guy carries two large pizza boxes and a six-pack of beverages. He sits on a stool. He shifts his body and starts fishing in his pants pocket.
Chris Hansen: (walks to the kitchen) You came for Rachel?
Pizza Guy: No.
Chris Hansen: Jennifer?
Pizza Guy: No.
Chris Hansen: Eliza?
Pizza Guy: (looks at slip of paper) Yes.
Chris Hansen: So you're here for the 14-year-old girl.
Pizza Guy: I guess.
Chris Hansen: What were you doing with your pants when you were standing there.
Pizza Guy: Making sure I had my money bag for possible change.
Chris Hansen: Money? You plan on charging for your "goods and services?"
Pizza Guy: That's usually how it works, Sir.
Chris Hansen: Really? You admit it? (looks at the pizza boxes) You brought quite the selection tonight.
Pizza Guy: Yes.
Chris Hansen: What do we have here? (points to a six pack of beverages) Is that beer? Were you going give that to a 14-year-old girl?
Pizza Guy: Sir, it's ROOT beer. And yes I will give it to her, if she pays for it.
Chris Hansen: Well, well, well. You don't waste any time do you? Let me see a bottle of that. Root beer, eh? Looks like a beer bottle to me. Tell me what kind of root beer is this?
Pizza Guy: IBC root beer.
Chris Hansen: IBC Regular or Lite?
Pizza Guy: It's regular, but sir? It's called Diet IBC Root Beer, not IBC lite beer.
Chris Hansen: (shrewdly) Really? We shall see. And it appears you were open to the idea of having pizza and this alledged root beer with this girl?
Pizza Guy: Oh no, Sir!
Chris Hansen: Are you sure? So maybe you would have had pizza with this girl.
Pizza Guy: No, sir.
Chris Hansen: Hmm. I have this transcript of the online conversation between you and Eliza. Now you go by the online name of Papa John?
Pizza Guy: Yes, sir.
Chris Hansen: Well there's a name for you. A typical name for those who sell the type of goods and services YOU are offering.
Pizza Guy: Huh?
Chris Hansen: Do you have all the girls call you Papa? Or are you their dear John?
Pizza Guy: I don't understand.
Chris Hansen: Oh, you don't understand. Well here's something I don't understand. Let me read part of the transcript to you. "If you want it hot, we can do that too. Just tell me how you want it." Just what did you mean by that?
Pizza Guy: That we could give her some crushed red peppers, or put jalapenos on the pizza.
Chris Hansen: I see. So what do you really mean? Are those code words? Crushed red peppers? Jalapenos? Who on earth would ever put those items on a pizza. And what is this about a thirty minute limit? You place a time restriction on your goods and services?
Pizza Guy: Yes, sir, or they get it for free!
Chris Hansen: What?
Pizza Guy: Are we talking about the same thing, sir?
Chris Hansen: I'm quite sure we are Papa. I'm quite sure we are. Tell me John, what do you think should happen to you now?
Pizza Guy: I deliver the pizza and root beer and get paid?
Chris Hansen: Oh, you'll get paid all right. Officer, right in here, please.
Pizza Guy: What?
Chris Hansen: There's a special place for men like you.
Pizza Guy: I don't understand. I'm just trying to make a delivery!
Chris Hansen: Don't worry, you'll be able to make lots of deliveries where you're going.
Pizza Guy: But, but, but... I have more deliveries to make!
Chris Hansen: You won't be making any more deliveries EVER. Capiche?
Chris Hansen turns to the camera. "Look at this disgusting, perverted mess of a pizza. Pineapples and capers? This man needs a good long time to think and ponder on his misdeeds. And he will be getting his just punishment, or my name isn't Chris Hansen!"
Pizza Guy is handcuffed, read his rights, and escorted out and into a police car.
Thank you for joining us for another successful capture on To Catch A Pizza. Be sure to tune in next week when we talk to online persona "Domino." Until then this is Chris Hansen. Good night.
B.S. One pizza smothered in jalapenos and crushed red peppers was consumed during the production of this post. Mmm. Yummo! I like it hot, hot, hot!
57 minutes ago
11 comments:
That was pretty cheesy, Quirks! ;)
"Don't worry, you'll be able to make lots of deliveries where you're going."
Bwahahahaha, I bet he will!!!
Bwahahaha. Hilarious. I can see this happening. Now I gotta have a pizza. From Papa John's.
I never did trust that Papa John. I can't wait until you take on the Godfather!
This is Mr. John's lawyer. We are pursuing litigation against you for harassment of a pizza. Yes, we know the pizza had pineapples. It's a special pizza and was therefore discriminated against by your rash treatment of it and Mr. John.
Whew!
OK. I'll stop now. I need to order a pizza.
@Noname And you like cheese, right? hee hee
@ChrisHansen's Agent Chris Hansen has an AGENT? hee hee
@MeMe Pizza delivery guys get no respect. *grin*
@Leeuna Mmm pizza. Yummo. I hope you like it hot, cuz that's what "John" specializes in! hee hee
@VE How did you know that was in my blog fodder notebook? Wow! Spooky VE! Did you send the gnomes to come snoop? I think you did. Ha!
@Reffie I just hope you don't really put pineapple on a pizza. It's soooooooo wrong! hee hee
The only crime would have been if the Pizza had black olives (your fellow BOH *Black Olive Hater*)
Ok confession time - I read that as Chris Harrison and wondered what the Bachelor had to do with Pizza and 14 year old girls - DO NOT CALL THE PRODUCERS!!!!!
I was smiling every time I thought of this post yesterday, and I didn't even comment. That was dumb of me.
Is this why the pizza guy won't follow me into my lair, I mean kitchen...ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I miss the Chris Hansen show; did he catch all the pervs? I'm sure he didn't, unfortunately. Yes, I answered my own question. I am a dork.
Now, now, there is nothing wrong with pineapple on pizza, as long as it has ham on it. That would be a hawaiian pizza. But capers, I think NOT! When did capers even begin to be a pizza topping???
I, myself, prefer ham, bacon & mushroom but will eat a pizza with the "works" if ordered. Capers..Hmph!
Please do not send any pizzas to my door unless the order includes a 6-pack of Dr Pepper. Then I'll have a Supreme pizza, please... or maybe a white pizza with spinach & onions. Yum!
Dear Author www.quirkyloon.com !
The nice message
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