The Loony Price Is Right

(audience applause)

Drew Carey: Welcome back to The Price Is Right! It's time for the Showcase Showdown. Now Quirkyloon, you are our big winner of the day. You have the choice of picking the first showcase and bidding on it, or if you like, you can pass it on to Darth."

Quirkyloon: (nodding excitedly) "Okay! Let's do this thing!"

Darth: (barely moves his head in assent) "Yup."

Announcer: "Our first showcase is all about Old Times Is Good Times. And it starts with a much coveted five-year subscription to AARP including its magazine (five years or your death, whichever is sooner)."

(Model with huge Vaseline smile shows AARP card and AARP Magazine.)

Announcer: "Next we have a year-supply of Depends Underwear for Him and for Her."

(Model with huge Vaseline smile standing next to pyramid of Depends boxes.)

Announcer: "And finally with your Old Times Is Good Times showcase, we have a special person to announce the final prize:

"It's Tom Kruse (not to be confused with Tom Cruise mega-scientologist)!

"Your friendly Hoveround inventor/creator."

Tom Kruse: "Hi folks, Tom Kruse here. I'm a nurse by profession and I know how important it is for your well-being to maintain your mobility and freedom. That's why today we will be awarding not one, but two Hoverounds as part of your showcase! It's one for Him and one for Her."

(Audience goes wild with applause!)

Drew Carey: "Okay Ms. Q-Loon, will you bid or pass on this showcase?"

Quirky: "Are you kidding? Do I have a big ole' 'L' stamped on my forehead for 'loser' not 'loon?' I'm definitely bidding on this showcase Drew. Oh yeah, baby!"

Drew Carey: "Okay good. Darth this is your showcase."

Announcer: "Darth, you lucky guy you, we're doing something a little different today and instead of going through a silly skit to present the prizes, we are cutting to the chase! Look to your left and behold!

"A new car!

(audience applause)

"And another new car!

(louder audience applause and some yells)

"And yet one more car!

(audience goes crazy with yells and applause)

"Yes, your showcase today is three new cars! Yes, we have three, not one or two, but three Cadillac DTS cars! And they could all be yours if the price is right!"

Darth is stunned.

Drew turns to back the contestants.

Drew Carey: "Okay Ms. Q-Loon, let's hear your bid for the ever so important AARP magazine subscription, the Depends, and the not one, but two Hoverounds."

(Audience screams out prices. Quirky is frantically moving her lips as if calculating prices in her head.)

Drew Carey: "Ms. Loon?"

Quirky: "Just a second, Drew. I know. Just a second."

Drew Carey: "Um, Ms. Loon? We need your bid now."

Quirky: (still moving lips, calculating) "Umm, ummm, now that was a five-year magazine subscription?"

Drew Carey: "Yes."

Quirky: (looks out at audience and mouths an amount to unseen friend) "Okay, Drew, I think I've got it."

Drew Carey: "And...?"

Quirky: "One dollar, Drew!"

Drew Carey: (incredulous) "Oooo-kay! Let's move on to Darth. You, my friend, get to bid on your special showcase. THREE Cadillac DTS cars. What is your bid, my friend?"

Darth: "One dollar, Drew."

Drew Carey: "Um, one dollar?"

Darth: "Yeah, Drew."

Drew Carey: "I'm afraid Quirkyloon has already bid one dollar for her showcase, you'll have to bid a different amount."

Darth: "But why? My prizes are different than hers."

(Drew gives Darth the look of death.)

Darth: "Okay, whatevs. Two dollars, Drew."

Drew sighs and says, "Okay."

Drew Carey: "Let's start with Ms. Quirky Loooooon. She bid one dollar for her Old Times Is Good Times showcase featuring the Hoverounds and the actual price of your showcase is........ ONE DOLLAR! Is this right? Well, my producer is telling me in my ear it is indeed right!

"You, Ms. Loon are a DOUBLE-SHOWCASE winner!"

(sirens blaring, audience going crazy)

Drew Carey: "But wait, we still have one more showcase. Darth, you bid two dollars for your three Cadillac cars showcase and the actual price of your showcase is.... $168,357 dollars for a difference of $168,355 dollars! So our big winner for the day is....

"Quirky-loooooooon!"

"Ms. Q-Loon, you not only get your Hoverounds, you get all three Cadillac cars!"

Quirkyloon: "Yeah-ha-ah! Ba-beeeeee!"

Drew Carey: "Thanks for joining us today folks and remember to get your dogs and cats spayed or neutered! We'll see you tomorrow for another edition of The Loony Price Is Right!"

(Music fades out.)

Quirky ain't no loser.

She's a loon!