Interview With A Zombie

One more day!

Til Halloween!

Boo!

Welcome back to La Quirky's Day 5 contribution to the HBDC Halloween Humor Carnival 2009!

Psst! Just in case you've forgotten go read some other funny horror stories at HBDC Halloween Humor Carnival 2009.

But wait, wait, wait! Before you click, please read mine.

*bats eyelashes*

(Insert Vincent Price evil laugh here.)

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Today I am bringing you an exclusive interview. (Eat your brainz out Jenn Thorson!)

Zombieloon is gracing our presence today and allowing me to interview her. I have all the important questions and she has some magnificent zombie answers for me.

And now?

I'm ready to share!

Q: Zombieloon, welcome to my blog. I'm so pleased that you agreed to this interview.

Z: Yez.

Q: Please tell us a little bit about yourself.

Z: I grew up in a farm just outside of Paris, France. My father was a farmer during the 1600's.

Q: The 1600's? How old does that make you?

Z: 409 years old.

Q: Wow! You've seen so much change over the centuries.

Z: Yes, I have Q.

Q: How is that you've managed to stay so hidden from the world. You are a zombie and zombies must eat. And from what I understand zombies love brains, particularly human brains.

Z: Oh, Q! I forget that you are American. I am a European Zombie and we are a sophisticated breed. Yes, some of you American Zombies are so primitive and brutal. Human brainz! Ha! But truly, attacking humans and eating their brainz is NOT the end all of what a zombie is all about.

Once a year, zombies all over the world convene in Death Valley. It's a relatively isolated place, very few humans. At our Zombie Conventions I have had the displeasure of meeting some American Zombies that reside in the Appalachian Mountains. They are quite spooky. And they are what your American film makers have based zombies on. They are so very wrong. But I understand why you all seem to have this misconception.

Q: Really? Well, please share with us. How exactly did you become a zombie?

Z: (throaty chuckle) Oh Q! You are so predictable. Sit back and freshen up your Diet Dr. Pepper (shudders) and relax while I tell you my story.

Z: As I mentioned previously, I grew up on a dairy farm. In addition to the cows, we had the usual variety of farm animals including hens. Our farm fed our family as well as provided us with the means to barter for other goods and services. We also grew corn.

Little did we know that in the nearby woods next to our farm lived a magical dwarf. His name was Zombastiltskin. Zombastiltskin was quite the little scientist, he had a passion for botany. He conducted many experiments in his hut in the woods. Most are too horrific for me to share with you. Suffice it to say that unbeknownst to us, Zombastiltskin had used one of our hens in one of his experiments. The hen was infected with a mutated virus.

Did I mention that my father is color blind?

This is important for it will explain what happened next.

It was one Saturday morning and my father was in quite a cheerful mood. It had been quite a successful week on the farm. He decided to cook his special omelets.

"Wake up sleepy heads, Papa is ready to cook!"

"What? Papa? (squeals of delight) Papa, are you going to fix us your special omelets?"

"Oui, ma cheries!"

(More squeals of delight.)

Papa grabbed the eggs and started cracking them open.

"I will take these brown eggs and make the best omelets ever!"

Little did he know that brown eggs were actually GREEN. Because of his color-blindness, he thought the eggs were brown and no suspicion or doubt entered his mind.

He whistled as cracked, whisked, poured and cooked. And we feasted upon the most scrumptious and savory omelets ever.

"Ooooh, Papa! These omelets were different and had the best taste!"

"Ah, ma cheries, it is all in the whisking!"

Later that day, my sister Zoe and I went berry picking. The air lightly brushed our faces turning our cheeks pink, as we pranced around filling our baskets to full.

We returned to our cottage and burst in through the front door, only to be met with a scene of horror.

Our father was biting and eating our mother!

Zoe and I screamed in terror.

Papa looked up, eyes glazed over, with blood and drool dripping from his mouth.

"Papa! What have you done? What are you doing to our Mama!?"

"Bleh, blah, blooh."

"Papa! Papa! Papa!!"

Our mother was dead.

Our father had killed her with a bite.

Backing away slowly, Zoe and I inched our way to the door. Our father just looked at us. Dragging his right leg, he slowly approached us.

(meekly)"Papa?"

"Bleeeeeeeeeeeh...."

"Zoe, run!"

Into the woods we ran, until we could hear nothing but the sounds of our gasping breaths intermingled with sobs. We collapsed next to a tree. We cried and cried until there were tears no more. We decided to make a shelter in the woods. Slowly, we set about our task of collecting branches and leaves. In silence, we searched and worked.

Once the shelter was complete, we stretched out onto the leaves and just laid there in silence. We were still trying to process what we had witnessed.

We had collected enough twigs and branches to build a fire. The flames had just begun crackling when Zoe burst out in hysterical laughter.

"Look Zerena! I have marshmallows! Let us roast them."

We roasted and ate a whole bag of marshmallows. Afterwards, bellies full of the sweet, gooey goodness, we fell asleep and I began to dream that I was at a carnival...

*record scratches*

Ooops, wrong dream!

Q: Zombieloon? I hate to interrupt, but I have a question. Marshmallows? You had marshmallows in the 1600's in France?

Z: Yes, what is the problem?

Q: I thought marshmallows weren't invented until the late 19th century?

Z: Details, details! What about Zombastiltskin? What about the green eggs? What about my father? What about my father biting and killing my mother? And all you can think about is the marshmallows? Forget the marshmallows!

Q: But... you couldn't have had them yet...

Z: ENOUGH!

Q: Okay, okay, settle down. I don't want you to bite me.

Z: Are you sure?

Q: Quite sure!

(Part Two of Interview With A Zombie will be posted on my blog tomorrow!)

Folks, you won't want to miss the ending of this fascinating, funny, and frightful interview!



B.S. No humans were bit by zombies during the production of this interview post. Bleh, Blah, Bloo!