Anti-Vampire Matters

Welcome back to the Quirky Halloween celebration also known as the Humor Bloggers Halloween Carnival 2009!

The most wonderful week of the year continues today here at Q's blog.

And don't forget to go to HBDC each day this week. There ye shall find delectable delightful posts of horrific humor and fright. Go and check them out forthwith.

Because forthwith, I told you to!

And now, behold!

La Quirkyloon Fear Fest-Installment #2 aka Quirkyloon's contribution to HBDC Halloween Humor Carnival 2009

(Insert Vincent Price evil laugh here....*record scratches*.... Um, scratch that. Mr. Price was unavailable today to contribute evil laughs.)

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During this Halloween week of special posts that honor the horror, funny and freaky, one question keeps popping into my mind.

Why is everybody against.... vampires?

You thought I was going to write zombies, eh?

Now, I have Ms. Stephenie Meyer (author of Twilight series) to thank for teaching me so much about vampires and the complex dynamics and logistics of living as one in the mortal world. I also want to thank Mr. Bram Stoker for his Dracula story, very informative and educational.

Thanks Steph! And B-ram Dude, you rawk!

And you know something?

They paint the vampire life as a pretty darn good life, if you can get over the whole "must kill humans to suck their blood" thing.

I've come up with a list of six "pros" why becoming a vampire would be a good thing.

1. They are immortal. Who doesn't want to live forever? There have been many stories depicting man's exploration for the Fountain of Youth or the elixir of life. This means I could get a hog or two and be as reckless as I want and not die! Immortality? Oh yeah, baby. This is a good thing, a very good thing.
   
   
2. No sickness! Wow. I would take this in a heartbeat! Oh, wait, vampires don't have beating hearts. Oh well. I'd still take it in a heartbeat. Most of you know why. Ack, let's no go there today. Enough said. What? Oh, okay, you've twisted my arm. You see, unfortunately, I've had to deal with a certain disease.... the big "C." Yes, those darn calluses on my heels are painful! Yes, I would NOT like to have those big "C's" ever again!
   
   
3. Extra human strength. Jumping high and landing softly on your feet, running like the Six Million Dollar Man or Woman? Totally works for me. I thought I would enjoy the Hoveround life, but I was wrong. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to reverse in the Diet Dr. Pepper aisle, only to knock over the entire soda box display! Yes, they are getting used to cleaning up after me on aisle seven. And now? As soon as they see me ride in on my Hover? They stalk me! So for this reason and perhaps some other reasons, I want to leap, run, and jump like a vampire vixen!
   
   
4. Vampires are beyond gorgeous. I mean, don't get me wrong, I already know I'm beautiful. People tell me all the time, how beautiful I am on the inside. I'm still not sure how they can see my innards, but I guess I'll take their word for it. I mean not everybody can easily pass as Ugly Betty's twin like I do. It's not easy being so beautiful, truly it has been a trial to look like me. So the whole vampire beauty aspect will not be a huge change for me. *yawn* I have grown tiresome discussing this non-issue.
   
   
5. Their skin is always cold. Oh my vampy-gawsh! Do you realize how incredibly wonderful this would be for me? No more hot flashes! No more sweaty embarrassing moments! And I guess this would mean no more deodorant. This would mean more money for toilet paper! And no more shiny face problem! Ah, yes it would be so refreshing feeling cold to the touch and always looking cool and composed. This is definitely a positive!
   
   
6. They avoid mirrors. So do I! Mirrors are just too revealing. When I look into a mirror, I see a crazy lady (and we all know that can't be right). And those darn mirrors add at least ten pounds. So unrealistic. I'm always surprised at how very "wise" I look just like a wrinkled-up old hag. Somehow my inner beauty just does NOT shine through! It is such a conundrum! The bottom line? Mirrors lie! (At least in my mind they do!) And that is why I avoid them at all costs!

So far, I can't see anything wrong with becoming a vampire.

But wait.

Is that my eye-twitch starting up?

I guess I am feeling a little guilty. Not because I seem to have a hankering to become a vampire vixen, but because how could I turn my back on zombies so quickly?

When you compare a vampire to a zombie, vampires definitely have the upper edge.

And I always root for the underdogs.

So sorry vampires who were getting ready to seek me out to bite me.

I'm sticking with the Zombies.

Because I'm nothing, if not a loyal Loon.

Plus, zombies at least eat meat.

I like meat.

Mmmm, meat.

And I've always enjoyed my meat with some...

Mm-mm good, delicious, sweet, red, juicy...

Catsup!



B.S. No vampires or zombies were harmed during the production of this post. But, one cow was slaughtered, quartered, grilled to perfection, and then eaten with utter lip-smacking delight.