Martian Infomercials

 (extremely loud and annoying voice)

 

"Hi I'm Billy Mays! I want to tell you about a terrific new product! It's called the Illidium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulater! It blows things up! You bring it, it will decimate it! You'll love the power of being able to destroy anything and everything around you!" 

 

Marvin the Martian, "Oh goodie!  A new improved explosive Space Modulater. My old one, the Illidium PU-36, never quite got the job done. It was supposed to blow up the planet earth. I  remember that day as if it were yesterday. I aimed, I fired, and there was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom, but alas, there was no kaboom."

 

(Billy Mays continues...)

"We have had our top scientists test this new and improved Modulater.   It will blow your mind and anything else you would like blown up!"

 

Marvin the Martian, "Hmm, I wonder if it will finally be capable of destroying planets? That nasty Earth still my blocks my view of Venus. Gee wiz that silly place irritates me so. This new Modulater just may be my dream come true." 

 

*click*

 

"Vince here with the ShamWow. Stop wasting your money buying paper towels! ShamWow will do the work of one million rolls of papers towels! It doesn't drip or make a mess.  And it is machine washable and bleachable! Plus, one ShamWow will last for ten years! It will not scratch any surface!"

 

Marvin the Martian, "The Martian Maggot could use a cleaning. Oh dear, how wonderful it could be: I wouldn't have to create more Martians to do the job. One ShamWow could do the work of an entire army of Martians. That would be most delightful. And only $19.95 earthling dollars plus shipping and handling. What is the price of an intra-galactic stamp these days?"

 

*click*

 

TV Guide Channel presents PediPaws™ the revolutionary new nail trimmer for your dog or cat. It’s the newest and fastest way to keep your pet’s nails trim rounded and smooth with no pain or mess!  Start treating your pet like one of the family. You and your pet will love PediPaws™!

Marvin the Martian, "Commander K-9, my space dog, has had the most terrible time with his paw nails.  I was dressing him one morning and when I tried to put on his space shoes, he snarled at me.  That wasn't a bit nice. Perhaps this canine device would be worth looking into for K-9's sake."

 

 

*click*

 

Marvin the Martian, "Oh, all of this earthling terrestrial television has given me quite the headache! Especially these infomercials with these annoying earthling specimens with extremely loud voices. K-9, do you suppose all earth creatures behave like thataway? Oh look here is another infomercial. Wait, I'm all agog! This claims that it can cure me of my terrible headache? What do I do with it? "

 

Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.

Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.

Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marvin the Martin: "Oh peachy! The terrestrial remedy did indeed work!

 

"Mmm, yes, very curious, very interesting. There has been a growing tendency to think of man as a rational thinking being which is absurd, there is simply no evidence of any intelligence on the earth. Until now.

 

"My headache is completely gone by terrestrial infomercial means. I'm still shocked and agogged! I need to keep that handy Head On stick close by and at all times.

 

"Now excuse me as I have important work to contemplate.

 

"It's back to the old drawing board!"