Secret Santa Can Suck It Gift Swap

Ho, ho, freakin' ho!  Yes, this is another one of those gift exchanges that we all love and adore.   Bee at Bee's Musings is hosting this year's holiday gift exchange. I was absolutely thrilled when I learned that I got The Hussy Housewife at My Suburban Can Run Over Your Minivan.  She has absolutely no idea how positively lucky she is that I was selected to bestow a Christmas gift upon her.

 

As I was contemplating what special gift or gifts I should give to the Hussy, I asked myself:

 

You all don't know this, but I am related to Dwight K. Schrute.  You might know him from the popular NBC show, The Office, but to me the Dwightenator is the bomb. (Fact: he likes to make and keep bombs.) He is family, what more can I say?   I happen to be his sixth cousin twice removed, thrice removed, twice removed, then another thrice removed on his mother's side.

 

We are a close knit family, thank goodness for me (and the Hussy). You might not have heard that Dwight recently made Forbes Newest Billionaires list due to soaring beet sales that show no end in sight. His marketing strategy for his beet sales is without a doubt, nothing less than brilliant.

 

Dwight: First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go “wow, I need this beet right now”. Those are the money beets.

Season 3, Episode 20: "Product Recall"

 

Here is a picture of our benefactor today.  He is looking quite dapper and cheerful, wouldn't you say?

 

Let's cut to the chase and start handing out the gifts.  Yes, Hussy, you are getting some very special gifts today, hand-chosen by Dwight and myself.

 

First of all Hussy, we have a special tee shirt for you. Everyone knows how fond Dwight is of gun shows and he was disappointed that he could not escort you to one of the shows, so he got you this commemorative gun show tee instead. 

 

Dwight Schrute: Did you get your tickets?
Jim Halpert: To what?
Dwight Schrute: The gun show. [kisses bicep]

Season 1, Episode 4: "The Alliance"

Next, Dwight has generously donated an indefinite time-share for Hussy and one guest at Schrute Farms.  

Dwight Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm...sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Season 2, Episode 3: "Office Olympics"

While enjoying your stay at the farm, you and your guest will enjoy sampling our finest culinary treat: canned beets. Martha Stewart beet eat your heart out! We have all the beets you can eat. When you're ready to leave, Dwight has generously agreed to throw in some jars of beets that his grandmother canned about 30 years ago.

 

There is another, uh, "crop" available at the farm, just let Dwight or Mose know if you're interested in getting some.

Dwight Schrute: I've seen this kid before. He's one of the kids that sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.
Delivery Kid: Yeah I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.

Season 4, Episode 3, "Launch Party"

He has also built and donated a bunker for Hussy and one guest.  Don't worry, it won't be hard to find, just look for the weed garden plot, then walk 20 paces north by northwest, turn to your left, no your other left, then walk straight ahead.  Behold, your own personal piece of heaven on earth.  No place on earth will be safer than this bunker.

 

Inside the bunker, you will find some special treats:  nunchuks, grenades, rifle, pistol, and knife.  It's the Dwight K. Schrute Arsenal Starter Kit.  It should help you get by until you build sufficient resources of your own.

 

Oh, and no bunker would be complete without a lifetime supply of Beef Jerky.  Dwight's favorite snack. Yummo, with a capital O!

 

 

 

Don't worry about who'll take care of the bunker when you're not there.  Dwight and his cousin Mose have graciously agreed to stay on as caretakers of the farm and will see to it that your bunker is taken care of as well.

 

Dwight also has agreed to offer his security guard services to you Hussy.  The world is not as safe as you think. This will come in handy when you venture into the big cities, like Pocatello, Lewiston, or Coeur d'Alene.  Those cities are big time dens of iniquity.  As you know, Dwight is a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and he is always on the lookout for criminals. 

Dwight Schrute: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I've been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out.. she was. With a couple of guys, actually... so. Mystery solved.

Season 2, Episode 13: "The Secret"

Plus, he was recently praised

for the capture of this offender.

 

 

 

 

 

Dwight has also decided to throw in the 2001 Nissan Pathfinder he recently repurchased from the EBAY customer who bought it from him after he "flipped" it from Andy.  The customer's financing fell through and the customer had to pay Dwight a penalty of $10,000 dollars.  It is in mint condition and has many nooks and crannies for you to store items such as pepper spray, pistols, ammo and beef jerky.

 

Dwight Schrute: This car is crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.
Andy: How next to?
Dwight Schrute: Well, here are your options: You can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff, you can donate it to a person who you'd like to see die in a car crash, or you can sell it to me and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.

Season 3,  Episode 12: "Did I Stutter?"

Last, but not least, Dwight has agreed to bestow upon you one billion Schrute bucks.  That's a cash value of one billion Schrute bucks!

 

 

Dwight Schrute: When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute buck. One thousand Schrute bucks equals an extra five minutes for lunch.

Season 3, Episode 23: "The Job"

Whew!  Hussy, you must have been a very, very good girl for a Secret Santa (Dwight) to give you so much.  Let's recap: the tee-shirt, never-ending time-share at the farm, canned beets, weed, the arsenal starter kit, lifetime supply of beef jerky, 24/7 security guard services, 2001 Nissan Pathfinder, and last, but not least, one billion Schrute bucks. (Total value of gifts is approximately 875 million dollars...give or take a million or two.)

 

Doesn't get any sweeter than this! 

 

 

 

 

Is this not the best EVER Christmas gift you could have ever hoped for? Not even in your wildest dreams?

 

I thought so.

 

Merry Christmas Hussy Housewife from Quirkyloon aka Sandie and of course, Dwight.